What Are the Five Dysfunctional Families? Understanding Dysfunctional Family Dynamics

Dysfunctional families are a common issue that affects many individuals across the world, often influencing their emotional well-being and personal development. While every family dynamic is unique, research has identified certain patterns that are common among dysfunctional families. In this post, we'll explore the five types of dysfunctional families and their impact on individuals, helping you understand how these dynamics shape relationships, mental health, and overall life satisfaction.

1. The Abusive Family

Abusive families are characterized by physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. These families create an environment where fear, manipulation, and control are prevalent. The child or spouse in an abusive family often grows up feeling unsafe and anxious, with long-lasting effects on their self-esteem, relationships, and overall mental health.

Signs of an Abusive Family:

• Physical violence or verbal aggression

• Emotional manipulation and threats

• Inconsistent or excessive discipline

• A constant state of fear or anxiety within the household

2. The Neglectful Family

Neglectful families fail to provide the necessary care and attention to their children. This can manifest in the form of physical neglect, where basic needs like food and shelter are not met, or emotional neglect, where a child’s emotional needs and development are ignored. Children from neglectful families may feel isolated, unloved, and unsupported, leading to feelings of low self-worth and challenges in forming healthy relationships later in life.

Signs of a Neglectful Family:

• Lack of attention to a child’s physical or emotional needs

• Inconsistent or absent parenting

• A sense of emotional isolation

• Chronic feelings of abandonment or rejection

3. The Enmeshed Family

Enmeshed families are characterized by a lack of boundaries between family members. In these families, individuals often rely too heavily on one another for emotional support, leading to blurred lines between personal identity and family roles. This can stifle personal growth, independence, and lead to unhealthy emotional dependency.

Signs of an Enmeshed Family:

• Overinvolvement in each other’s personal lives

• Lack of privacy and personal space

• Extreme dependence on family members for emotional validation

• Difficulty making decisions independently

4. The Chaotic Family

Chaotic families are unpredictable and lack structure, with constant turmoil and instability. These families often experience frequent crises, such as financial instability, addiction, or mental health issues, which lead to chaos in day-to-day life. Children in chaotic families may struggle with anxiety, lack of structure, and difficulty finding emotional stability.

Signs of a Chaotic Family:

• Frequent crises or emergencies

• Lack of routine or structure

• Unpredictable behavior from parents or caregivers

• Chronic stress and instability in the household

5. The Authoritarian Family

Authoritarian families are marked by rigid rules and high expectations that are enforced with little to no flexibility. In these families, the parents exert strict control over their children’s behavior, often using fear, punishment, and criticism to maintain authority. While these families may not be abusive in the traditional sense, the lack of emotional support and validation can lead to feelings of resentment, rebellion, and low self-esteem among children.

Signs of an Authoritarian Family:

• Strict and rigid rules with little room for compromise

• Limited emotional warmth or validation

• High expectations and perfectionism

• Punitive discipline and control over children’s actions

The Impact of Dysfunctional Families on Mental Health

Living in a dysfunctional family can have a profound impact on mental health, affecting emotional development, self-worth, and interpersonal relationships. Individuals from dysfunctional families may struggle with:

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Low self-esteem

• Difficulty trusting others

• Challenges in forming healthy relationships

Understanding the effects of these family dynamics can be the first step toward healing and breaking the cycle of dysfunction. Therapy and support groups can help individuals unpack their experiences, develop healthier coping strategies, and learn how to form positive, functional relationships moving forward.

Healing from a Dysfunctional Family

If you’ve experienced dysfunction in your family, it’s important to know that healing is possible. Therapeutic practices like family therapy, individual counseling, and self-help resources can provide the support needed to work through past trauma. Through these methods, individuals can start to develop healthier patterns of communication, emotional regulation, and self-awareness.

Final Thoughts

Recognizing the signs of dysfunctional family dynamics is the first step toward understanding their impact on your life. Whether you grew up in an abusive, neglectful, enmeshed, chaotic, or authoritarian family, understanding the root causes of these patterns can empower you to break free and foster healthier relationships in the future.

If you are dealing with the effects of a dysfunctional family and are looking for support, family therapy and individual counseling are valuable tools to help you navigate your healing journey. Embrace the opportunity to reclaim your emotional well-being and cultivate a future filled with connection, love, and healthy boundaries.

What Is the Child Who Breaks Dysfunctional Family Patterns? Understanding the Transitional Character

In the realm of family dynamics, certain individuals rise above the chaos and dysfunction, ultimately altering the course of their family’s legacy. These courageous souls are often referred to as transitional characters, a term popularized by Dr. George Broderick, a prominent researcher in the field of family systems and generational trauma. The child who breaks dysfunctional family patterns holds a unique role, one that challenges the status quo and redefines family history. This post explores the concept of the transitional character and the profound impact they have on healing and transforming dysfunctional family systems.

What is a Transitional Character?

A transitional character is an individual who, often in their youth, begins to break away from generational patterns of dysfunction that have been passed down through multiple generations. According to Dr. Broderick, this child possesses the innate ability to change the course of their family’s trajectory, often without any conscious effort. They emerge in environments characterized by abuse, addiction, neglect, or emotional dysfunction, yet they become the catalyst for positive change within the family.

The transitional character recognizes the patterns that no longer serve their family, and despite the odds, they actively seek to heal or transform those inherited behaviors. They break free from destructive cycles like emotional reactivity, toxic relationships, and substance abuse, setting a new standard for future generations.

The Role of the Transitional Character in Breaking Dysfunctional Family Patterns

1. Breaking the Cycle of Abuse and Neglect

Children born into families with abusive or neglectful environments often find themselves carrying the weight of the trauma experienced by previous generations. The transitional character, however, is often the first person in the family line to confront and address these abuses. They may choose to seek therapy, develop emotional intelligence, or take action to protect themselves and their siblings. By doing so, they create a break in the cycle of abuse and neglect, offering hope to future generations.

1. Healing Family Relationships

One of the most profound shifts a transitional character brings is the potential for healing broken relationships. Family dysfunction can create barriers to love and connection, where communication is toxic, and emotional bonds are weak. The transitional character often finds ways to open dialogue, set boundaries, and model healthier emotional responses. These actions disrupt the status quo, allowing for the possibility of deeper, more authentic connections.

1. Overcoming Addiction and Dependency

Generational addiction and dependency issues can trap families in a vicious cycle. The transitional character, who may have witnessed or been a part of these struggles, decides to pursue sobriety or recovery, changing the path not only for themselves but also for future generations. They often become role models in their families, showing that healing from addiction is possible and that a different life is within reach.

1. Creating New Norms and Values

In many dysfunctional families, unhealthy behaviors, such as shame, guilt, and fear, are passed down as core beliefs. The transitional character, however, challenges these norms by introducing new values like self-respect, compassion, and emotional honesty. They often choose to raise their own children in an environment that is free from the toxic dynamics they experienced, promoting healthy communication and positive reinforcement.

The Psychological Toll of Being a Transitional Character

While the transitional character plays a vital role in breaking dysfunctional family patterns, this journey is not without its challenges. The child who decides to break free from the family’s dysfunction often faces significant psychological distress, including feelings of isolation, guilt, and confusion. They may feel alienated from the rest of the family, particularly if their attempts to create change are met with resistance or rejection.

Additionally, the transitional character may experience emotional fatigue as they balance their own healing with the weight of changing a long-standing family dynamic. However, their determination to create a healthier future can be a source of inspiration and healing for themselves and others.

How to Recognize the Transitional Character in Your Family

If you’ve wondered whether you or someone you know might be the transitional character in your family, here are some key signs:

• Self-Awareness: They often have a heightened level of self-awareness and are introspective about the emotional dynamics within the family.

• Breaking Free from Dysfunction: They actively resist the dysfunctional behaviors that have been passed down, choosing healthier patterns for themselves and their relationships.

• Healing Work: The transitional character is often committed to therapy, self-help practices, and healing modalities that promote emotional growth.

• Setting Boundaries: They are more likely to establish clear boundaries in their relationships, even when it’s difficult.

• Generational Healing: Through their actions, they begin to dismantle generational patterns of abuse, neglect, or addiction, promoting healthier habits for future generations.

How Can You Support the Transitional Character in Your Family?

Supporting the transitional character in their healing journey requires understanding, compassion, and patience. Here are some ways you can provide support:

• Acknowledge their Efforts: Recognize the courage and effort it takes to change entrenched family patterns. Offer emotional support and encouragement.

• Provide Resources: Help the transitional character access resources like therapy, support groups, or books on family dynamics, recovery, and healing.

• Be Patient: Understand that change is a process, and the transitional character may need time and space to fully break free from family patterns.

• Offer Unconditional Love: Offer love and understanding without judgment, especially if the transitional character’s journey creates tension or discomfort within the family.

The Power of the Transitional Character

The transitional character is a powerful force of transformation within a family system. By courageously breaking free from dysfunctional patterns and choosing a different path, they pave the way for healing, growth, and renewal. While their journey is often difficult, the impact they have on future generations is immeasurable.

Whether you're a transitional character yourself or know someone who is, recognize the immense strength it takes to change the course of a family’s history. The work of breaking generational trauma and building healthier family dynamics is a gift that not only benefits individuals but also creates a ripple effect for future generations.

If you are looking to explore your own family dynamics, break free from dysfunctional patterns, or understand your role as a transitional character, consider seeking support through therapy, support groups, or self-help practices. You are not alone on this journey, and the transformation you seek is within reach.

What Are Dysfunctional Patterns? Understanding and Breaking Free

Dysfunctional patterns are deeply ingrained behaviors, thoughts, and emotional responses that hinder personal growth and the ability to form healthy, balanced relationships. These patterns can manifest in various aspects of life—such as in family dynamics, friendships, and romantic relationships—and often persist over time, becoming automatic reactions. Understanding dysfunctional patterns and how to break free from them is crucial for achieving emotional well-being and cultivating healthier connections.

What Are Dysfunctional Patterns?

Dysfunctional patterns refer to repetitive, unhealthy behaviors or coping mechanisms that individuals or groups fall into, often as a response to trauma, stress, or negative experiences. These patterns typically arise as a form of self-protection or a learned response to external circumstances but can cause long-term damage to relationships, self-esteem, and mental health.

Dysfunctional patterns may appear in many forms, including:

• Negative Thought Cycles: Chronic negative thinking or self-talk, such as "I'm not good enough" or "Nothing ever works out for me."

• Emotional Repression: Suppressing or avoiding emotions rather than expressing them in a healthy way, often resulting in outbursts or emotional numbness.

• Unhealthy Attachment Styles: In relationships, individuals may develop insecure attachment patterns, such as being overly clingy or emotionally distant, which can lead to codependency or emotional withdrawal.

• Self-Sabotage: The act of undermining one's own efforts, goals, or relationships due to fear of failure or success.

• Avoidance and Denial: Avoiding difficult conversations, emotions, or conflicts, leading to unresolved issues and chronic stress.

What Causes Dysfunctional Patterns?

Dysfunctional patterns often stem from early childhood experiences, trauma, or unhealthy familial dynamics. A child growing up in an environment with inconsistent parenting, emotional neglect, or abuse may develop coping mechanisms that serve as survival tools in their formative years but become maladaptive in adulthood.

Additionally, societal pressures, cultural norms, and past emotional wounds can also contribute to the development of these patterns. Dysfunctional behavior often occurs when individuals don’t have the emotional tools or skills to cope with stress, conflict, or difficult emotions.

Signs of Dysfunctional Patterns in Your Life

Recognizing dysfunctional patterns is the first step toward healing. Some common signs include:

• Repeated Negative Outcomes: If you find yourself in similar situations or relationships that continually lead to disappointment or conflict, you may be unknowingly repeating a dysfunctional pattern.

• Chronic Stress or Anxiety: Living in a constant state of emotional or mental turmoil can be an indication that you are stuck in unhealthy behavior loops.

• Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Struggling to assert your needs or let go of toxic relationships can signal a pattern of emotional neglect or codependency.

• Avoidance of Intimacy: Fear of closeness or vulnerability may indicate issues with attachment or a history of emotional trauma.

How to Break Free from Dysfunctional Patterns

The good news is that you have the power to identify and change dysfunctional patterns. Here are a few steps to help you break free from these harmful cycles:

1. Increase Self-Awareness: Begin by noticing the patterns in your behavior, thoughts, and emotions. Pay attention to situations or relationships that consistently bring up feelings of frustration, anger, or sadness.

2. Seek Professional Help: Therapy, especially modalities like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), trauma-informed therapy, or family systems therapy, can be incredibly beneficial in breaking dysfunctional patterns. A trained therapist can help you explore the root causes of your patterns and provide coping strategies to create lasting change.

3. Practice Mindfulness and Self-Compassion: Mindfulness helps you stay grounded in the present moment and break free from automatic reactions. Self-compassion enables you to treat yourself with kindness and understanding rather than judgment, especially when facing difficult emotions.

4. Set Healthy Boundaries: Establish clear, healthy boundaries in your relationships. This will allow you to protect your emotional energy, avoid codependency, and foster more balanced and respectful interactions with others.

5. Reframe Negative Thoughts: Work on challenging and reframing negative or self-critical thoughts. Cognitive reframing techniques can help you replace destructive thought patterns with more constructive and empowering beliefs.

6. Develop Healthy Coping Strategies: Learn new ways to cope with stress and emotions. Practices such as meditation, exercise, creative expression, and journaling can help you process emotions in a healthier way.

7. Build a Supportive Network: Surround yourself with positive, supportive individuals who uplift you and encourage your growth. A strong support network can provide the encouragement and guidance needed to break free from dysfunctional patterns.

Why It’s Important to Break Dysfunctional Patterns

Breaking free from dysfunctional patterns is not only essential for your emotional health but also for your overall well-being and relationships. These patterns can keep you trapped in negative cycles of stress, anxiety, and self-doubt, preventing you from reaching your full potential.

By identifying and healing dysfunctional patterns, you create the opportunity to develop more authentic, fulfilling relationships, a greater sense of self-worth, and a healthier mindset. Transforming these patterns opens the door to a more empowered, balanced, and authentic life.

Final Thoughts

Dysfunctional patterns are often learned behaviors that serve as protective mechanisms but can be limiting in the long run. Whether they stem from past trauma or unhealthy dynamics, recognizing these patterns and taking active steps to heal is the key to breaking free and creating a more vibrant, fulfilling life. Remember, the journey of healing is gradual, but with commitment and support, you can transform your patterns and create lasting change.

If you’re ready to explore and heal your dysfunctional patterns, consider seeking support through therapy, self-help practices, and engaging with a community that supports your growth.

What Personality Disorder Thrives on Drama?

When it comes to navigating relationships—whether personal or professional—understanding the dynamics of certain personality traits can be crucial. One of the most challenging behaviors to deal with is when drama seems to follow a person, creating constant turmoil and emotional strain for everyone involved. If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, What personality disorder thrives on drama? you’re not alone. In this blog post, we’ll explore the link between drama and specific personality disorders, how they manifest, and ways to navigate relationships with individuals who exhibit these traits.

Understanding Personality Disorders and Drama

Personality disorders are mental health conditions that involve enduring patterns of behavior, thoughts, and emotions that are significantly different from the expectations of society. These patterns often disrupt relationships, work, and other areas of functioning. Some individuals with personality disorders exhibit behavior that seems to thrive on conflict, emotional upheaval, and drama.

But why do some personality disorders create this environment of constant drama? One of the key factors is a need for attention, validation, or control, often driven by underlying insecurities or emotional dysregulation. Certain traits of personality disorders make it more likely for individuals to create chaos or dramatize situations to maintain a sense of importance or influence over others.

The Personality Disorders Most Likely to Thrive on Drama

1. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

One of the most common personality disorders associated with drama is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Individuals with NPD often require excessive admiration and validation from others. They may create dramatic situations to maintain the focus on themselves, whether through exaggerated emotional responses, manipulation, or even creating conflict where none exists. Drama serves as a tool to manipulate people’s attention, ensuring that they remain the center of others' thoughts and emotions.

• Key Traits of NPD:

  • A need for admiration

  • A lack of empathy for others

  • A tendency to exploit others for personal gain

  • Sensitivity to criticism, often leading to defensive or dramatic outbursts

1. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Borderline Personality Disorder is another personality disorder often linked with drama. Individuals with BPD tend to have extreme emotional responses and difficulties in regulating their emotions, leading to volatile relationships. Their fear of abandonment and intense mood swings can contribute to dramatic situations, as they often react in extremes—either idealizing or devaluing people in their lives.

• Key Traits of BPD:

  • Intense, unstable relationships

  • Fear of abandonment

  • Impulsive behaviors

  • Emotional instability, often leading to dramatic reactions to minor triggers

1. Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD)

Histrionic Personality Disorder is perhaps the most directly connected to drama, as individuals with HPD crave attention and often create theatrical situations to be the center of it. They may exaggerate emotions, perform for an audience, and act in ways that are designed to elicit attention, admiration, or sympathy. Drama often becomes the mechanism through which they gain validation and control over their social environments.

• Key Traits of HPD:

  • A need to be the center of attention

  • Shifting emotions to draw attention

  • Excessive concern with physical appearance or sexual attractiveness

  • Dramatic speech and behavior

1. Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD)

While not always associated with emotional drama in the same way as NPD, BPD, or HPD, Antisocial Personality Disorder (also known as sociopathy) can contribute to dramatic situations through manipulative, deceitful, or reckless behavior. Individuals with ASPD may provoke conflict or drama intentionally to achieve personal goals or exert control over others, often disregarding the impact on those around them.

• Key Traits of ASPD:

  • Lack of empathy

  • Deceitfulness and manipulation

  • Impulsivity and recklessness

  • Disregard for the rights of others

How to Cope with Drama Caused by Personality Disorders

If you are dealing with someone exhibiting these traits, navigating the relationship can be challenging. Here are some strategies to help manage interactions:

1. Set Boundaries: Individuals with personality disorders may try to test or push boundaries, especially when they thrive on drama. It’s essential to set clear, firm boundaries and communicate them consistently. Be prepared for resistance or attempts to manipulate, but stay grounded in your decision.

2. Don’t Engage in the Drama: If someone with a personality disorder creates drama, avoid getting caught up in it. Responding emotionally or feeding into their behavior can escalate the situation. Instead, stay calm and assertive, and steer the conversation away from dramatic topics.

3. Encourage Professional Help: Dealing with personality disorders, particularly those that thrive on drama, often requires professional intervention. Encourage the individual to seek therapy or counseling to address the root causes of their behavior.

4. Protect Your Emotional Well-being: If the relationship becomes too toxic or emotionally draining, it may be necessary to distance yourself or sever ties. Your well-being should always be a priority.

Final Thoughts

Certain personality disorders, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, and Antisocial Personality Disorder, can contribute to a pattern of behavior that thrives on drama. Understanding these disorders and how they manifest can help you recognize when drama is being used as a tool for manipulation or validation. By setting healthy boundaries, managing your emotional responses, and encouraging professional help, you can better cope with relationships affected by these disorders and protect your emotional well-being.

If you or someone you know is dealing with the impact of a personality disorder, it’s essential to seek support from a mental health professional. Understanding these conditions can help pave the way toward healthier relationships and personal growth.

What Are the Four Conflict Styles That Hurt Your Relationship?

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, whether romantic, familial, or platonic. How we approach and handle these conflicts can either strengthen or weaken the bond we share with others. Understanding your conflict style is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship and avoiding patterns that can lead to unnecessary tension, resentment, or even breakup.

In this blog post, we'll explore the four common conflict styles that can hurt your relationship and offer insights into healthier ways to approach disagreements.

1. The Avoidant Style: Turning Away from Conflict

One of the most common conflict styles that harm relationships is the avoidant style, where a person shuts down, withdraws, or avoids addressing the issue altogether. While it might seem like you're preventing conflict from escalating, avoidance usually leads to deeper issues, unresolved emotions, and feelings of disconnection.

How It Hurts Your Relationship:

• Creates distance and emotional disconnection.

• Builds unresolved resentment and frustration.

• Prevents growth and resolution of underlying issues.

Healthy Alternatives:

• Practice open communication, even when it's uncomfortable.

• Acknowledge your feelings and take small steps to address issues, rather than ignoring them.

• Create a safe space where both partners can express concerns and find solutions together.

2. The Aggressive Style: Dominating the Conversation

The aggressive style is when one person dominates the conversation, often through yelling, sarcasm, or harsh criticism. This style typically comes from a place of anger or frustration, but it can quickly escalate into verbal attacks and emotional harm, leaving both partners feeling hurt and misunderstood.

How It Hurts Your Relationship:

• Destroys trust and emotional safety.

• Leads to feelings of fear, anxiety, and insecurity.

• Prevents healthy communication, as the partner may feel intimidated and unable to express themselves.

Healthy Alternatives:

• Focus on using "I" statements instead of "you" statements to avoid blame.

• Take breaks during heated moments to calm down before continuing the conversation.

• Practice active listening and empathy, allowing both partners to feel heard.

3. The Passive-Aggressive Style: Indirect Communication

The passive-aggressive style involves indirect communication, where a person expresses anger or frustration through sarcasm, subtle digs, or even nonverbal cues like ignoring their partner or giving them the silent treatment. Rather than addressing the issue directly, they communicate their discontent in ways that often leave their partner confused or frustrated.

How It Hurts Your Relationship:

• Creates confusion and miscommunication.

• Builds tension and mistrust, as it feels dishonest or manipulative.

• Leads to prolonged feelings of resentment and unspoken needs.

Healthy Alternatives:

• Practice assertive communication: express your needs and feelings clearly and directly.

• Focus on problem-solving together rather than using indirect methods to "punish" your partner.

• Work on building emotional honesty, ensuring that both parties feel comfortable voicing their concerns.

4. The People-Pleasing Style: Ignoring Your Own Needs

The people-pleasing style involves constantly trying to keep the peace by agreeing with everything your partner says, even if it means sacrificing your own feelings or desires. While this style may seem harmless at first, it can lead to resentment and feelings of being taken for granted in the long run.

How It Hurts Your Relationship:

• Leads to unexpressed needs and emotions, which can cause passive-aggressive behaviors.

• Can create an imbalance of power in the relationship, where one person’s needs consistently take precedence over the other’s.

• Prevents both partners from growing, as the real issues remain unaddressed.

Healthy Alternatives:

• Prioritize your own needs and communicate openly about your feelings.

• Practice saying "no" when necessary, without guilt or fear of disappointing your partner.

• Work towards a balanced relationship where both partners' needs and boundaries are respected.

How to Improve Your Conflict Style and Strengthen Your Relationship

Recognizing your own conflict style is the first step toward improving your relationship dynamics. Here are some tips to transform harmful conflict patterns into healthier interactions:

1. Be Self-Aware: Reflect on your usual response to conflict. Do you avoid it, get aggressive, or try to please others? Identifying your style is key to making positive changes.

2. Practice Active Listening: Make sure both partners feel heard and understood. This fosters a safe environment for open dialogue and problem-solving.

3. Use Conflict Resolution Strategies: Consider learning conflict resolution techniques like time-outs, mindfulness, or solution-focused communication to resolve issues more effectively.

4. Seek Professional Help: Couples therapy or relationship counseling can be a powerful tool in breaking negative conflict cycles and improving communication skills.

Final Thoughts

Understanding and improving your conflict style is essential for cultivating a healthy relationship. Whether you tend to avoid conflict, react aggressively, express dissatisfaction passively, or prioritize your partner's needs over your own, it's important to recognize these patterns and work toward more constructive communication. By addressing your conflict style and using healthier strategies, you can foster a stronger, more connected relationship with your partner.

If you're struggling to communicate effectively or facing ongoing relationship issues, seeking guidance from a relationship counselor or therapist can provide support and practical tools for navigating conflicts with love, respect, and understanding.

What is Too Much Conflict in a Relationship?

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, but how much is too much? Relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendships, are built on communication, trust, and shared understanding. However, when conflict becomes excessive or unresolved, it can have a negative impact on the relationship’s health and well-being.

In this blog post, we’ll explore what constitutes too much conflict in a relationship, signs that your relationship may be experiencing unhealthy levels of conflict, and how to manage and resolve disagreements in a healthy, productive way.

Understanding Conflict in Relationships

Conflict arises when individuals have different needs, values, beliefs, or desires. In a healthy relationship, conflict is seen as an opportunity for growth and deeper understanding. Healthy conflict resolution can strengthen the bond between partners or friends. However, too much conflict—especially when it’s chronic or unresolved—can erode trust, increase stress, and create emotional distance.

Signs of Too Much Conflict in a Relationship

1. Frequent Arguments and Disagreements When conflict is constant and frequent, it can create an ongoing atmosphere of tension and negativity. Healthy relationships have occasional disagreements, but if you’re arguing almost daily or multiple times a week, it may signal underlying issues that need addressing.

2. Escalating Arguments Healthy disagreements should not escalate into shouting matches or emotional outbursts. If your discussions routinely become heated and escalate into personal attacks or insults, it’s a sign that the conflict is becoming destructive and too much to handle.

3. Feeling Exhausted or Drained Emotional exhaustion can be a clear sign that conflict is overwhelming the relationship. If you feel drained, anxious, or constantly walking on eggshells around your partner or loved one, it’s a clear indication that the conflict is taking too much of a toll.

4. Avoidance of Conflict In some cases, individuals may start avoiding conflict altogether to avoid the stress it causes. While avoidance can seem like a solution, it’s actually a sign that the relationship is not dealing with issues in a constructive way. Bottling up feelings or shutting down emotionally creates a breeding ground for unresolved conflict to fester.

5. Inability to Reach Resolution Conflict becomes harmful when it’s never fully resolved. If you or your partner continuously return to the same arguments without finding solutions, it means that the issues are not being addressed effectively. Persistent, unresolved issues can lead to resentment and detachment.

What Too Much Conflict Can Do to a Relationship

When conflict reaches excessive levels, it can have profound effects on the relationship’s dynamics and overall health. Here’s what too much conflict can do:

• Erodes Trust: Constant fighting undermines the trust between partners. If disagreements are frequently aggressive or manipulative, trust breaks down, leaving partners feeling unsafe or unsupported.

• Increases Stress and Anxiety: Ongoing conflict leads to increased stress levels, which can affect mental and physical health. The emotional toll of conflict can lead to anxiety, depression, and a sense of hopelessness in the relationship.

• Prevents Intimacy: Constant conflict creates emotional barriers that hinder connection. If you’re consumed by disagreements, it becomes difficult to maintain emotional intimacy, affection, and mutual understanding.

• Leads to Separation or Breakup: If conflict remains unresolved over time, it can eventually lead to separation, breakups, or even divorce. Many relationships end because the partners are no longer able to communicate effectively or solve problems together.

How to Manage Conflict in Relationships

While conflict is natural, too much conflict in a relationship can be addressed through effective communication and conflict resolution strategies. Here are some ways to manage conflict in a healthy way:

1. Practice Active Listening Active listening involves giving your partner your full attention, showing empathy, and attempting to understand their point of view. By listening attentively and validating each other’s feelings, it becomes easier to resolve issues constructively.

2. Use “I” Statements Instead of accusing your partner or using blame language, try to express your feelings using “I” statements. For example, say “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…” This helps to keep the conversation less confrontational and opens up space for mutual understanding.

3. Take Breaks During Heated Arguments When arguments escalate, it’s okay to take a break and cool off before continuing the discussion. Walking away for a few minutes or hours allows both parties to collect their thoughts and return to the issue with a clearer perspective.

4. Seek Common Ground Focus on finding areas of agreement. Even in a conflict, there are usually aspects where you both align. Identifying common goals and values helps to find mutually acceptable solutions.

5. Consider Professional Help If conflict is overwhelming and too frequent, relationship counseling or therapy may be a good option. A professional can help you and your partner develop communication skills, conflict-resolution strategies, and work through deeper emotional issues.

Final Thoughts: Healthy Conflict vs. Too Much Conflict

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but too much conflict can harm the relationship’s foundation. The key is to manage disagreements with respect, empathy, and the intention to grow together. By understanding the signs of excessive conflict, you can address the issues before they become insurmountable, allowing your relationship to thrive and remain healthy.

If you’ve been struggling with conflict in your relationship, take a step back, assess the underlying issues, and consider implementing healthier ways of managing disagreements. Relationships are an ongoing process, and conflict resolution is a skill that requires practice, patience, and understanding.

How to Deal with a High-Conflict Partner: Strategies for Navigating Challenging Relationships

Dealing with a high-conflict partner can be one of the most emotionally draining experiences in any relationship. Whether it’s a romantic partner, a co-worker, or a family member, high-conflict behavior can take a significant toll on your mental and emotional well-being. But how do you deal with a high-conflict partner in a way that preserves your peace, maintains healthy boundaries, and fosters positive communication? Here are key strategies for managing a high-conflict relationship and keeping your emotional energy intact.

What Is a High-Conflict Partner?

A high-conflict partner is someone who consistently exhibits behaviors that escalate tension, create drama, or cause emotional distress in the relationship. High-conflict individuals often react impulsively, have trouble managing their emotions, and may have a tendency to blame others, distort facts, or engage in manipulation. They may struggle with accepting responsibility, and their communication style can be combative or passive-aggressive.

Signs You’re Dealing with a High-Conflict Partner

Identifying high-conflict behavior early on can help you develop the tools to handle the situation effectively. Here are common signs you may be dealing with a high-conflict partner:

• Frequent arguments: Disagreements escalate quickly, with little to no resolution.

• Blame-shifting: They rarely take responsibility for their actions and often blame others.

• Emotional outbursts: Their reactions are disproportionate to the situation.

• Gaslighting: They manipulate facts or create confusion to avoid accountability.

• Unpredictable behavior: Their moods can shift rapidly, leaving you unsure of how to proceed.

1. Establish Clear Boundaries

When you’re dealing with a high-conflict partner, setting healthy boundaries is essential. Boundaries protect your emotional well-being and set clear expectations for how you will engage with them. Be firm, consistent, and calm when establishing these boundaries. Let your partner know what behaviors are unacceptable and what consequences will follow if those boundaries are violated. For example, you might say, “I’m not going to continue this conversation if you raise your voice.”

2. Stay Calm and Avoid Reacting Emotionally

One of the most effective ways to handle a high-conflict partner is to stay calm and not let their emotional volatility trigger your own. High-conflict individuals often seek to provoke reactions in others, which can escalate a disagreement into a full-blown argument. Practice emotional regulation by taking deep breaths, maintaining a neutral tone, and not engaging in their drama. If necessary, walk away from the conversation until you both can engage in a more constructive dialogue.

3. Use Non-Defensive Communication

When communicating with a high-conflict partner, it’s essential to stay non-defensive. Defensive behavior can escalate the situation, making it more challenging to resolve the issue. Instead, focus on active listening and reflect back what your partner is saying to acknowledge their perspective, even if you don’t agree. Use “I” statements like “I feel frustrated when…” rather than “You make me feel…” to avoid blame and keep the conversation focused on your emotions.

4. Seek Professional Help

If the conflict is persistent and difficult to manage on your own, consider seeking professional help, such as couples therapy, individual counseling, or conflict resolution therapy. A skilled therapist can help you both understand the root causes of your high-conflict behaviors and teach healthier communication strategies. In some cases, a third-party mediator can help facilitate conversations and prevent further escalation.

5. Know When to Walk Away

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, a high-conflict partner may not be willing to change or engage in a healthy relationship dynamic. In these cases, walking away or ending the relationship may be the best option for your mental health and well-being. While this decision can be incredibly difficult, especially if there are emotional ties or shared responsibilities, it’s essential to prioritize your peace and self-care. If the relationship is consistently toxic, it may be time to set yourself free from the negativity.

6. Focus on Self-Care and Support

Dealing with a high-conflict partner can leave you feeling drained and overwhelmed. It’s important to prioritize self-care during these times. Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends and family who can provide encouragement, love, and perspective. Engage in activities that replenish your emotional reserves, such as meditation, exercise, or creative hobbies. Remember, taking care of yourself is essential in maintaining the strength needed to handle the challenges of a high-conflict relationship.

7. Practice Patience and Acceptance

While you cannot control your partner’s behavior, you can practice patience and acceptance of the situation. Sometimes, high-conflict individuals may be dealing with unresolved issues, such as past trauma or emotional struggles, that impact their ability to communicate effectively. Try to approach your partner with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to support their growth—without enabling destructive behavior.

Moving Forward in Peace

Dealing with a high-conflict partner is undoubtedly challenging, but by implementing these strategies, you can protect your emotional health, establish healthier communication, and regain a sense of peace in your relationship. Setting boundaries, staying calm, and focusing on self-care are all key steps to taking back control in a high-conflict dynamic. If you’re unable to resolve the issues on your own, don’t hesitate to seek professional guidance to help navigate the conflict and foster healthier relationships moving forward.

Remember, you deserve to be in relationships that bring you joy, support, and peace. By learning how to deal with a high-conflict partner, you can create space for personal growth, healing, and more harmonious connections.

What is the Chameleon Effect of Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a complex mental health condition that affects a person’s emotional regulation, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. One lesser-known but significant aspect of BPD is the Chameleon Effect. This concept refers to the tendency of individuals with BPD to adapt their behavior, appearance, and emotions to fit the expectations and moods of those around them, much like a chameleon changes its color to blend into its environment. But what does this mean in the context of BPD, and how does it affect relationships and emotional well-being?

Understanding the Chameleon Effect in BPD

The Chameleon Effect in Borderline Personality Disorder is a coping mechanism that individuals may unconsciously use to navigate the intense emotional and relational instability that often characterizes the condition. Those with BPD might experience extreme emotional reactions, shifting from love to anger, or joy to despair, sometimes within minutes. This emotional turbulence can make it difficult for them to maintain a consistent sense of self.

As a result, individuals with BPD may subconsciously mirror the emotions, behaviors, and opinions of others in an effort to feel accepted, valued, or understood. This adaptation often extends to various aspects of their personality, including the way they dress, the opinions they express, and how they interact with others.

How the Chameleon Effect Manifests in Relationships

In relationships, the Chameleon Effect can lead to a lack of authenticity and cause issues in communication and connection. Here are a few ways it might appear:

• Shifting Identity: Individuals with BPD may adopt different identities depending on the people around them. For instance, they might become highly interested in a hobby or belief system that someone they admire is passionate about, only to drop it once the relationship dynamic shifts.

• People-Pleasing Behavior: The desire to avoid conflict or rejection can lead to a pattern of people-pleasing. The individual may suppress their own wants and needs to avoid confrontation or criticism, resulting in feelings of resentment or emptiness later on.

• Emotional Volatility: Since the individual may not have a clear sense of self, their emotions can shift dramatically based on how they perceive others' feelings. For example, if someone expresses anger or frustration, they may immediately mirror that emotion, leading to intense emotional conflict.

• Fear of Abandonment: A core feature of BPD is an overwhelming fear of abandonment. The Chameleon Effect can be a response to this fear, as individuals may change their behavior or personality to ensure that they don't lose the approval or affection of those they depend on.

Why Does the Chameleon Effect Happen in BPD?

At its core, the Chameleon Effect is a survival mechanism. For those with BPD, emotional instability and a fragmented sense of self make it difficult to maintain a solid and cohesive identity. By blending into their social surroundings, individuals with BPD might feel more secure, less vulnerable to rejection, and more able to navigate the world around them.

However, this coping strategy often leads to negative consequences. The inability to express authentic emotions and desires can result in deep feelings of isolation, confusion, and dissatisfaction. Over time, the constant shifting of identity can lead to a loss of self-awareness, making it harder for the individual to understand who they truly are and what they truly need.

How the Chameleon Effect Affects Mental Health and Healing

While the Chameleon Effect can offer temporary relief from emotional discomfort, it often exacerbates the internal struggles associated with Borderline Personality Disorder. Some of the key ways it impacts mental health include:

• Increased Anxiety: Constantly adapting to meet the expectations of others can cause significant anxiety, as the person fears making a misstep or not living up to others’ needs and expectations.

• Depression: The disconnection from one’s true self can lead to feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, and depression, as the individual struggles to reconcile their inner world with their external behavior.

• Difficulty in Therapy: The Chameleon Effect can also complicate therapy, as individuals may present a version of themselves that is aligned with what they think the therapist or others want to hear, making it difficult for therapists to understand the true root of their struggles.

Overcoming the Chameleon Effect in BPD

Recognizing and addressing the Chameleon Effect is an important step in the healing process for individuals with BPD. Here are a few strategies that may help:

1. Building a Stable Sense of Self: Therapy, especially Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), can help individuals with BPD develop a more consistent and stable sense of self. DBT focuses on mindfulness, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness, which can reduce the need to rely on the Chameleon Effect for coping.

2. Mindfulness Practices: Practicing mindfulness can help individuals with BPD stay grounded in their authentic feelings, allowing them to recognize when they are shifting their behavior to fit others’ expectations.

3. Setting Healthy Boundaries: Learning how to set and maintain boundaries is crucial for individuals with BPD. This can help reduce the tendency to people-please and encourage more authentic connections.

4. Supportive Relationships: Building relationships that are accepting and non-judgmental can help reduce the fear of rejection, allowing the individual to feel safe in being their true selves.

5. Self-Compassion: Cultivating self-compassion can help reduce the shame often associated with BPD and the Chameleon Effect. By accepting their own flaws and imperfections, individuals can stop seeking external validation through constant identity shifts.

Final Thoughts on the Chameleon Effect and BPD

The Chameleon Effect in Borderline Personality Disorder is a coping mechanism that arises from a lack of self-stability and emotional regulation. While it may provide temporary relief, it often leads to increased emotional turmoil, anxiety, and a sense of disconnection from one’s true self.

However, with the right therapeutic tools, mindfulness practices, and self-awareness, individuals with BPD can learn to embrace their authentic selves, break free from the Chameleon Effect, and foster more fulfilling and stable relationships. If you or someone you know is struggling with BPD, seeking professional help can be a powerful first step toward healing and reclaiming personal stability.

Chakras Explained: A Grounded Guide to Energy, Emotion, and Healing

Chakras are often misunderstood as mystical or abstract. This grounded guide explains what chakras are, how they relate to emotional and nervous system health, and how to work with them safely.

Chakras are often described as energy centers in the body, but the way they are presented can feel vague, spiritualized, or disconnected from real life. In truth, chakras offer a symbolic and embodied framework for understanding how emotion, trauma, identity, and meaning live in the body. When approached thoughtfully, chakras can support spiritual development without bypassing psychology, physiology, or lived experience.

What Are Chakras

Chakras are traditionally understood as seven primary energy centers that run along the spine, from the base of the body to the crown of the head. Each chakra corresponds loosely to themes of survival, safety, emotion, power, love, expression, insight, and meaning.

Rather than viewing chakras as literal spinning wheels of energy, many modern practitioners understand them as maps of human experience. They reflect how the body organizes sensation, emotion, attachment, and belief.

This is why chakra work often overlaps with:

• Somatic therapy

• Attachment theory

• Trauma healing

• Nervous system regulation

• Identity development

Chakras and Spiritual Development

In spiritual development, chakras are less about “opening” or “activating” and more about listening.

Each chakra represents a developmental question:

• Am I safe

• Am I allowed to feel

• Am I allowed to want

• Am I allowed to love

• Am I allowed to speak

• Can I trust myself

• Can I trust life

Spiritual development involves revisiting these questions again and again across the lifespan, especially during transitions, grief, or rupture.

Chakras and the Nervous System

One reason chakra language persists across cultures is because it mirrors the nervous system.

For example:

• Survival and safety themes align with the lower body and autonomic regulation

• Emotional processing aligns with the gut and limbic system

• Expression and connection align with breath, voice, and social engagement

When people say a chakra feels “blocked,” what they are often describing is overprotection, shutdown, or unresolved stress in the body.

Trauma and the Chakra System

Trauma does not live in a single chakra. It fragments experience across the whole system.

A trauma-informed approach to chakras avoids:

• Forcing emotional release

• Assigning blame for illness

• Suggesting people are “closed” or “unawakened”

• Pushing transcendence before safety

Instead, it focuses on:

• Choice

• Pace

• Regulation

• Integration

Chakras become a language for curiosity, not correction.

The Seven Chakras Overview

Root Chakra

Safety, stability, belonging, survival

Sacral Chakra

Emotion, pleasure, desire, creativity

Solar Plexus Chakra

Autonomy, power, identity, boundaries

Heart Chakra

Connection, grief, love, repair

Throat Chakra

Expression, truth, voice, silence

Third Eye Chakra

Insight, intuition, pattern recognition

Crown Chakra

Meaning, spirituality, connection beyond self

These are not levels to “master.” They are themes you revisit repeatedly throughout life.

Common Myths About Chakras

Chakras are not:

• A measure of spiritual superiority

• Something you fix once and move on

• Separate from mental health

• A substitute for therapy or medicine

Working with chakras responsibly means staying grounded in the body and in relationship.

How to Work With Chakras Safely

Safe chakra work includes:

• Gentle body awareness

• Noticing emotion without forcing release

• Working with trained practitioners

• Integrating psychological insight

• Honoring personal history and context

The goal is not activation. The goal is integration.

In Conclusion

Chakras offer a symbolic map for understanding how life moves through us. When used with care, they support spiritual development by helping us stay present with sensation, emotion, and meaning. They do not ask us to leave the body behind, but to come home to it.

Discover the Ancient Calm: 7 Surprising Benefits of Blue Lotus Tea

1. Promotes Relaxation and Reduces Stress

Blue Lotus Tea contains alkaloids like aporphine and nuciferine, which are believed to have sedative effects. These compounds may help alleviate stress and promote a sense of calm.

2. Enhances Sleep Quality

The calming properties of Blue Lotus Tea can aid in improving sleep quality. By reducing stress and promoting relaxation, it may help individuals fall asleep more easily and experience deeper sleep

3. Supports Mental Clarity

Regular consumption of Blue Lotus Tea may support cognitive function. Its compounds are believed to enhance mental clarity and focus, making it a beneficial addition to your daily routine .

4. Acts as a Natural Analgesic

Blue Lotus Tea has been traditionally used to alleviate minor aches and pains. Its anti-inflammatory properties may help reduce discomfort associated with conditions like arthritis or muscle soreness .

5. Enhances Mood

The compounds in Blue Lotus Tea may stimulate dopamine receptors, which can enhance pleasure and motivation. This can contribute to an overall improved mood and emotional well-being .

6. Supports Digestive Health

Blue Lotus Tea's anti-inflammatory and muscle-relaxing properties can help reduce discomfort associated with various digestive issues, such as bloating, gas, and cramps. By relaxing the digestive tract and enhancing movement within the intestines, it may improve overall digestion .

7. Rich in Antioxidants

Blue Lotus Tea is rich in antioxidants, which help protect cells from damage caused by free radicals. These antioxidants play a crucial role in reducing oxidative stress and supporting overall health .

Conclusion

Incorporating Blue Lotus Tea into your daily routine can offer numerous health benefits, from promoting relaxation and improving sleep quality to supporting mental clarity and digestive health. Embrace this ancient herbal infusion and experience its calming and rejuvenating effects.

Unlocking the Power of Cacao: 7 Science-Backed Health Benefits You Should Know

Cacao, often hailed as the “food of the gods,” is more than just the base of our favorite chocolate treats. This nutrient-rich superfood offers a plethora of health benefits that go beyond its delicious taste. Here's a closer look at seven compelling reasons to incorporate cacao into your diet.

1. Rich in Antioxidants

Cacao is packed with polyphenol antioxidants, which help neutralize free radicals in the body, thereby reducing inflammation and oxidative stress. These antioxidants play a crucial role in protecting cells and supporting overall health.

2. Supports Heart Health

Regular consumption of cacao has been linked to a reduced risk of heart disease. A study found that participants who took a cacao extract supplement with 500 milligrams of flavanol antioxidants daily for 3.5 years had a 27% lower risk of heart disease-related death compared to a placebo group. Flavonoids in cacao help improve blood flow and lower blood pressure, contributing to cardiovascular health.

3. Enhances Brain Function

The flavonoids in cacao may improve brain function by increasing blood flow to the brain. This boost in circulation can enhance cognitive performance, focus, and memory. Additionally, cacao contains compounds that may help protect against age-related cognitive decline.

4. Elevates Mood Naturally

Cacao contains theobromine and phenylethylamine, compounds known to enhance mood and promote feelings of well-being. These substances stimulate the production of endorphins and serotonin, the body's natural "feel-good" chemicals. Incorporating cacao into your diet may help alleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety.

5. Boosts Gut Health

Cacao acts as a prebiotic, feeding beneficial gut bacteria and promoting a healthy digestive system. A healthy gut microbiome is essential for digestion, immune function, and even mental health. Including cacao in your diet can support gut health and overall well-being.

6. High in Essential Minerals

Cacao is a rich source of essential minerals such as magnesium, iron, and zinc. Magnesium supports muscle and nerve function, iron is vital for oxygen transport in the blood, and zinc plays a role in immune function. Incorporating cacao into your diet can help ensure you meet your daily mineral requirements.

7. May Aid in Weight Management

Despite its rich taste, cacao can aid in weight management. The fiber content in cacao promotes satiety, helping to control appetite and reduce cravings. Additionally, cacao may improve insulin sensitivity and fat metabolism, supporting healthy weight management.

Conclusion

Incorporating cacao into your diet can offer numerous health benefits, from supporting heart and brain health to enhancing mood and aiding in weight management. Opt for minimally processed cacao products, such as raw cacao powder or dark chocolate with a high cocoa content, to maximize these health benefits. Remember, moderation is key to enjoying cacao's benefits without overindulgence.

Plant Wisdom for the Heart, Mind, and Spirit: A Deeper Look at Bobinsana & Ambi Sacha Yagé

In a time when fast healing is marketed as transformation, I’ve learned that true integration is much slower—and much wiser. Through my personal work with Bobinsana and Ambi Sacha Yagé, two master plants of the Amazon, I discovered a path that unfolds in layers. These aren't “quick fix” tinctures. They’re ancient allies—each with their own spirit, rhythm, and purpose.

This post offers an informative look at these two plants: their origins, uses, and how they work together to support heart healing, spiritual clarity, and dream connection.

What Is Ambi Sacha Yagé?

Scientific name: Banisteriopsis caapi
Region: Amazon rainforest
Preparation: Wild-harvested, then extracted through prayer, chant, fire, and water (no added DMT)

Ambi Sacha Yagé is a microdose preparation of the Ayahuasca vine—used not for visionary ceremony, but for grounding, alignment, and subtle energetic cleansing. Created by Taita Juanito of Colombia’s Inga lineage, this tincture is designed to be used outside of ceremony as a spiritual support for:

• Spiritual grounding: Reconnects you to your energetic center

• Immunity: Supports physical and energetic immune strength

• Emotional clarity: Helps you regulate emotions and navigate integration after deep work

• Dreamtime connection: Amplifies dream recall, insight, and guidance

This is not a hallucinogenic experience. It’s a microdose medicine with macro impact over time. For me, it subtly sharpened my perception, brought balance to my day, and opened my dreams in ways I didn’t expect.

What Is Bobinsana?

Scientific name: Calliandra angustifolia
Region: Amazon basin, often near rivers
Traditionally used for: Heart healing, dreamwork, emotional release

Known as the “heart opener” of the jungle, Bobinsana is a shrub with pink, cloud-like blossoms. It’s deeply revered in plant medicine traditions for its ability to help us process grief, reconnect with our emotional body, and invite in dream messages from spirit.

Key qualities of Bobinsana:

• Grief support: Helps move unprocessed sadness and emotional blocks

• Self-love activation: Restores connection to the inner child and emotional vulnerability

• Lucid dreamwork: Enhances dream clarity and spiritual messages in sleep

• Gentle integration: Supports emotional recalibration after trauma or ceremony

In my experience, Bobinsana didn’t flood me with emotion—it slowly, kindly, loosened what needed to move. I wept unexpectedly. I also laughed—at things I hadn’t felt light about in years.

How These Plants Work Together

Using Ambi Sacha Yagé in the morning and Bobinsana in the evening created a daily rhythm that felt like spiritual therapy. One grounded me into the body and intention; the other helped release and receive.

Combined Benefits:

• Balanced nervous system

• Clearer spiritual vision

• Emotional softening

• Deeper sleep and dream guidance

• Increased connection to self, spirit, and ancestors

Over a 30-day cycle, I noticed a significant difference—not in what I accomplished, but in how I held myself. My emotional landscape became less jagged. My spiritual connection deepened. I remembered how to be soft.

Why Consider Working With These Plants?

Many of us are navigating grief, burnout, and disconnection. And while no plant can replace personal work or therapy, these allies offer profound support for those walking the path of inner healing.

These tinctures are especially helpful if you are:

• Integrating after a plant medicine ceremony

• Seeking to deepen your dreamwork or spiritual practice

• Releasing emotional heaviness or heartbreak

• Ready to connect with your inner child or emotional body

• Looking for non-hallucinogenic support for self-reflection

Where to Learn More or Order

You can find both tinctures and detailed guidance from Four Visions:

• Ambi Sacha Yagé Tincture by Taita Juanito

• Bobinsana Dieta Toolkit Package

Final Thoughts

Bobinsana and Ambi Sacha Yagé aren’t about escaping pain—they’re about sitting with it, learning from it, and eventually releasing it. They taught me that healing isn’t always loud. Sometimes, it’s a soft whisper in a dream or a steady breath in the morning.

If you’re feeling called to work with these plant allies, trust that call. The path may be subtle—but it’s sacred. Book your 30-Day Plant Medicine Integration Ritual here.

How To Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential if we want to be both physically and emotionally healthy.

Creating healthy boundaries is empowering. By recognizing the need to set and enforce physical and emotional limits, you protect your self-esteem, maintain self-respect, and enjoy healthy relationships. By setting energetic boundaries, you are able to better navigate challenging circumstances, feel better, and shield yourself from daily stress, irritants, and other people’s energy.  

Unhealthy boundaries cause emotional pain that can lead to dependency, depression, anxiety, and even stress-induced physical illness. A lack of boundaries is like leaving the door to your home unlocked: anyone on the street can enter at will. On the other hand, having too rigid of boundaries can lead to social and emotional isolation, like you are living at the top of a castle surrounded by a wall of thorns, and a moat. No one can get in, and it takes a lot of effort for you to ever leave.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to behave around them, and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits. 

By definition, boundaries are a system of limit setting that enhances a person’s ability to have a sense of self and control the impact of reality on themselves and others.

Healthy boundaries are a crucial component of self-care. That’s because in work or in our interpersonal relationships, poor boundaries lead to resentment, anger, and burnout. The purpose of boundaries is to protect and contain our reality.

Setting healthy boundaries can have many benefits, including helping people make decisions based upon what is best for them, not just the people around them. This autonomy is an important part and component of self-care.

The types of boundaries one might set depends upon the setting. One person’s healthy boundaries with a romantic partner will be very different from that same person’s healthy boundaries with a boss or coworker, and they will also be very different from the boundaries you might choose, and so on.

The easiest way to think about a boundary is a property line with a fence. If you also see a “No Trespassing” sign on the fence, this sends you a clear message that if you violate this boundary, there will be a consequence. This type of boundary is easy to understand because you can see the sign and the border it protects. Personal boundaries can be harder to define because the lines are invisible, can and do change, and are unique to each individual. 

Personal boundaries, just like the “No Trespassing” sign, define where you end and others begin and are determined by the amount of physical and emotional space you allow between yourself and others. 

Personal boundaries help you decide what types of communication, behavior, and interaction are acceptable. 

Why is it important to set boundaries? 

• To practice self-care and self-respect 

• To communicate your needs in a relationship 

• To make time and space for positive interactions 

• To set limits in a relationship in a way that is healthy for you

Physical And Spiritual Boundaries 

Physical and spiritual boundaries provide a barrier between you and a physical or energetic invasion into your space. It’s similar to how a Band-Aid might protect a wound from bacteria, or a mask might protect you from Covid. These boundaries protect the physical and energetic bodies by controlling physical distance, touch, emotion, vibration and sensation. 

Physical Boundaries include your body, sense of personal space, sexual orientation, and sense of privacy, expressed through clothing, shelter, noise tolerance, verbal instruction, and body language. 

Spiritual boundaries use your physical and personal boundaries for connection with self, others, and your Higher Power.

A typical example of a physical boundary violation would be someone who is a close talker. Your immediate and automatic reaction would be to step back in order to reset your personal space to a level that is right and comfortable to you. By doing this, you send a non-verbal message or cue that when this person stands so close to you, you feel an invasion of your personal space. 

If your close talker continues to move closer to you, you might verbally tell him/her to stop and stay where they are. If you continue to feel threatened or pressured, you may also notice and start to feel the sensations of panic or fear, which is a tingling at the top of your stomach.

Other examples of physical boundary invasions are: 

• Touching a person without his/her permission, or knowingly exposing others to a contagious illness.

• Looking through others’ personal files and emails, or listening to another's private conversations without his/her permission. 

• Not allowing a person to have privacy and violating a person's right to privacy. 

Emotional And Intellectual Boundaries 

Emotional boundaries affect your self-esteem, the ability to separate your feelings from others’, or how you give meaning to incoming data. When you have weak emotional boundaries, it’s like getting caught in the midst of a hurricane with nowhere to run. You are exposed and vulnerable and greatly affected by your conditions. You are bombarded by all the sensations surrounding you: others’ words, thoughts, and actions. In particular, specific beliefs, behaviors, choices, or a sense of responsibility or indebtedness, and your ability or willingness to be intimate with others. 

Examples of emotional and intellectual boundary violations are: 

• Not knowing how to separate your feelings from your partner’s and allowing his/her mood to dictate your level of happiness or sadness (a.k.a. codependency). 

• Sacrificing your plans, dreams, and goals in order to please others. 

• Victimhood - not taking responsibility for yourself and blaming others for your problems. 

• Lying, breaking commitments for no reason, or by word or deed, indicating that a person is worthless.

What Are Barriers to Boundary Setting? 

It seems obvious that no one would want his/her boundaries violated. So why do we allow it to happen? Why don’t we enforce or uphold our boundaries?

• Wanting to be liked, combined with our fear of rejection and, ultimately, abandonment.

• Our fear of strong emotions in ourselves, or others, and also confrontation. 

• Our low self-worth, guilt, and chronic self blame.

• Our shame over never having healthy boundaries modeled to us by our parents.

• Our low self worth and excessive altruism.

Assessing The Current State Of Your Boundaries 

Healthy boundaries allow you to: 

• Have high self-esteem and self-respect, which encourages self-love and self-care. 

• Share personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing, emotionally balanced and trusting relationship. 

• Protect physical and emotional space from intrusion from others. 

• Have a partnership where responsibility, power, and energetic exchange are shared equally. 

• Be assertive, ask, and speak up confidently. 

• Truthfully say “yes” or “no” and be okay when others say “no” to you. 

• Separate your needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires from those around you. Stop taking everyone else on. 

• Recognize that we have free will, and your boundaries and needs are specific to you, and different from those around you. 

• Empower yourself to make healthy choices that are the best for you and your personal growth, by taking full responsibility for yourself. 

If you are dealing with someone who is physically dangerous or threatening to you, it may not be safe to attempt to set explicit boundaries with them. If you are in this situation, it can be really helpful to work with a guide, coach, mentor, or therapist, or anyone who can advocate for you in order to create a strategic safety plan, and boundary setting may be a part of this. 

Unhealthy boundaries are characterized by: 

• Sharing too much too soon or expressing intense feelings of attraction in an aggressive way.

• At the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off and not expressing your needs and wants in the relationship. Expecting others to read your mind.

• Excessive conscientiousness or feeling responsible for another’s happiness. 

• Inability to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment. 

• A weak sense of your own identity. You base how you feel about yourself on how others love and treat you. 

• Disempowerment. You allow others to make decisions for you; consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life. 

Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries 

When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, calmly, firmly, respectfully, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, get angry, or apologize for the boundary you are setting. Not over-explaining yourself is a crucial aspect of setting boundaries, as everyone has the right to determine what they do and don’t do.

You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting with them. You are only responsible for communicating your boundary in a respectful  and compassionate manner. Compassion has the word “passion” included, so it’s perfectly okay for you to advocate for yourself in a loving way. 

If it upsets them, please understand, this experience is highlighting the personal self growth that the receiving individual needs to work on. We all have free will, and whether or not they choose to grow from this experience between the two of you is of their own choosing. 

Some people, especially those accustomed to controlling, abusing, or manipulating you, might test you regularly. Plan on it, expect it, but remain firm and do not seek their approval. Try not to react, stay neutral, soothe yourself and be the observer. Notice how two people can experience different realities and that is okay. Decide the duration of your conversation and the topics you wish to discuss.

Remember, your behavior must match the boundaries you are setting, and your boundary setting must be a reasonable action you will take. You cannot successfully establish a clear boundary if you send mixed messages by apologizing. At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Anyone who calls you selfish is only angry because you aren’t doing what they expect from you. Remind yourself you are worthy of asking for what you need. You also have the right to practice self-care. 

Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don’t let anxiety, fear, or guilt prevent you from taking care of yourself. When you feel anger or resentment or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, determine what you need to do or say, then communicate assertively. 

Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. Set them in your own time frame, not when someone else tells you to. Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic people from your life— those who want to manipulate, abuse, and control you.

How To Set Personal and Emotional Boundaries

The first part of setting boundaries is examining the boundaries that already exist (or are lacking) in one’s life. In other words, healthy boundaries can be the difference between a healthy, happy relationship and a toxic, dysfunctional relationship between you and those around you.

Keep the focus on yourself. Another important thing to remember is: “It is impossible to set boundaries and limits without setting consequences (an action I will take)”. This means that when setting boundaries, it is important to explicitly state why they are important.

One good way to avoid crossing someone’s boundaries (and to avoid having one’s own boundaries crossed) is to have honest conversations about boundaries with people. Begin this process by doing the following:

1. Clearly identify your boundary. Get really clear with yourself about what the boundary is that you need to set. Do you need your mother to stop calling you all together, or can she call you under certain circumstances? Can you set a time and day of the week to agree to speak, or update her through text message so her anxious attachment disorder doesn’t kick in? 

2. Understand why you need the boundary. If you aren’t clear on what your needs are, you won’t be able to communicate your expectations to her, and your mother won’t have any idea how to treat you any differently. By expressing yourself and setting a limit, you are giving her a choice to behave and show up differently. An inconsistent boundary is not as effective, and is considered passive-aggressive. So spend time to figure out exactly what you need before taking any action. 

3. Be straightforward. Don’t be cryptic or purposefully vague thinking you’re going to spare someone’s feelings or avoid a conflict. The kindest and most successful approach is to be direct. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

4. Don’t apologize, or give long explanations as to why. This kind of behavior undermines your authority, and gives the impression that you’re doing something wrong that requires an apology or a justification. You never need to say sorry unless you’ve inflicted harm intentionally, or you empathize with another person’s situation.

5. Use a calm and polite tone. Keep your own anger in check. Don’t try to set boundaries in the middle of an argument. Wait until you are less reactive, contained, and realistic. You want your needs and wants to be heard. Yelling, lecturing, giving advice, sarcasm, or a condescending tone all put others on the defensive, where they feel attacked and distracts you both from the real issues.

6. Start with tighter boundaries to begin with. It’s always easier to loosen up tight boundaries than it is to tighten loose boundaries. I see so many people making this mistake, especially as fearful parents of teenagers. When you meet a new friend or start a new job, naturally you want to make a good impression, be agreeable, and fit in. As a result you’re likely to over-extend yourself, agree to commitments or viewpoints that you normally wouldn’t, ignore red flags and put up with abusive people or environments.

7. Address boundary violations early and often. Small problems are always easier to manage. Don’t wait until someone’s violated your boundary a dozen times before you speak up to them. It’s not fair to assume that others know your boundaries until you’ve explained them. Nor is it fair to abruptly change the rules.

8. Stay neutral. Don’t make it personal. Setting a boundary isn’t a personal attack. How would you prefer to receive this information, if you were on the receiving end? 

9. Use a support system - a guide, coach, mentor, or therapist. Starting to set boundaries is tough! It can bring up a lot of questions, uncomfortable feelings, and self-doubt. Having a support system of family or friends is also invaluable whenever you’re doing something challenging. 

10. Trust your intuition. Be sure to slow down and tune into yourself. Pay attention to what you’re feeling. What is your gut telling you? If it feels wrong, make a change. 

Following these ten steps will help guide you toward setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. And remember that healthy boundaries are not only good for you, but they’re good for everyone.

If you would like to learn more about how to establish healthy boundaries in your life, this is something I cover in my three day personal retreat, The Phoenix Immersion Program, or join us in 2025 for The Phoenix Immersion Retreat in Portland, Oregon, or online.

Does Energy Healing Work?

Whether you recognize it or not, you have entered into an energetic era, helping to expand your consciousness and redefine your understanding of your soul. You are awakening to know yourself even more as a multisensory being, releasing the beliefs of having only five-senses.

In fact, you are a latticework of energies and systems, remarkably complex, exquisitely coordinated, and entirely unique. There are invisible energies that shape the way you feel, the way you think, and the way you live. Using your own energy systems, such as your meridians (your body's energy pathways), chakras (your body’s energy centers), and aura (your body’s energy atmosphere), you can optimize your body’s natural capacities to heal itself and stay healthy. You can manage your energies to more effectively meet stress, reduce anxiety, and free yourself from ailments. In addition, you can apply what you learn for yourself to benefit family members and other loved ones.

The Path To Healing Begins With You

The first practitioner of energy medicine is you, the one that inhabits the body being cared for. Healing isn't just for times of great pain or strife. It is something that can be done to create feelings of peace, relaxation, and well-being every single day. And, more importantly, everyone possesses the power to be their own healer. 

Everyone has the ability to learn, expand, and use extra sensory perception to feel better in their body, thoughts, and spirit. Everyone can use energy to create more of the life that they are wanting-- they only need to learn how to align with their higher self and tune into their energy, so that they can unlock their abilities. These tools help with every aspect of your life and there is no better time to give them to yourself. Chances are you're already intuitive and picking up more foreign energy than you think. 

When you learn how to replenish, strengthen your field, release (thoughts, events and people), be in present time, and use energy to start creating -- life gets easier, more fun, and more manageable. When you learn how to heal your energy body, your aura, chakras, and other energetic components of your field, you feel better, you're more healthy, and your mind is more at ease.

How Does Energy Healing Work?

Energy healing, or energy medicine, is based on the ancient concept that there is a vital force, an underlying flow of energy, both within the physical body and extending from it. The body's entire energy system is referred to as the energy field, the energetic body, the biofield, or the subtle body--all interchangeable terms.

This system of energy is the template from which the physical body grows, and it guides the body's function. I like to think of the physical body as a tree and the energy body as the deep rich earth in which the tree grows. The condition and nutrients of the soil affects the tree's growth and health. While factors other than the soil (such as disease, overnight temperatures, or poor indirect sunlight) might impact the health of the tree, the overall reach and thickness of its roots, as well as its health and growth, relies on and has a symbiotic relationship with the soil.

The flow of energy through the energetic body can be compared to the flow of water in a creek, which dumps into a river and eventually finds its way out to the sea. If a dam is built anywhere along that river (an energy block forms), or if a huge rain dumps extra water into the river (there is an enormous influx of energy), the water will overflow to create new streams. If there is drought, or a shortage of water (energy), the smaller, shallower tributaries will dry up. Our goal in energy healing is to keep the water (the energy) flowing smoothly throughout your system by clearing the main river way and the tributaries and dredging any silt that builds up, so to speak.

What is the anatomy of the energy body? That depends on how the healer was taught. Different healers perceive, see, and describe the energy body differently, according to how they were trained. 

In Western culture today, the most commonly known paradigms are from traditional Chinese medicine (TCM), which includes the meridians; the chakra system and aura from India; and the matrix described in several shamanic traditions. 

How we are taught healing affects both how we see and hold the healing and how we perceive the energy field. This is a key point to keep in mind, as it can be quite confusing for a beginner to understand why different energy healers may have such different and varied explanations and therapies for the same energetic dynamics happening in one individual.

The energetic body is the underlying flow of energy that assists and supports the body's normal functioning. The energetic body is in constant flow and movement. We can assist the health of the energetic body and the flow of energy by opening energy channels and allowing sluggish or stagnant energy to flow in its natural patterns. Illness, symptoms, and energy blocks all occur in an effort to bring an energy pattern back to its natural flow. 

It is important to stress that healing is the restoration of the underlying flow in the body. Healing is the unwinding of energy blocks; healing is redemption of a wound that has been inflicted or an illness that has appeared; healing is the movement of the energetic body back toward wholeness, back toward its original pattern, albeit with imperfection or scars, and most often with change.

Energy healing means keeping the energy body as clear as possible and the energy flowing through it in a healthy way. A healthy body adapts - this is the body's ability to move energy naturally in response to an influx of energy or a block that occurs due to trauma or illness. A healthy energy body will promote health, increase your vitality, and also help prevent disease and illness from developing. 

If you are already healthy then using energy healing techniques to restore and maintain energetic balance will enable you to see what is occurring in your energy body, as you become more aware of the energy flow. 

If you have had surgery or are sick or injured, working with your energetic body can help you speed up healing in your physical body. If you are experiencing pain or a chronic illness, you will notice that using energy healing on yourself over time will begin to move blocks in your body and begin your journey back to energy balance and adaptation.

The Energy Healing I Practice

Reiki, a renowned ancient wellness practice with roots in Japan, uses soothing vibrations, usually generated from the hands, to release emotional blockages and relax the body. This proven and honored technique is a natural way to strengthen your immune system, lower stress levels, and relieve physical and emotional pain. With expert guidance, anyone can tap into their inner healer and cultivate a Reiki practice that rejuvenates their mind, body, and spirit.

When I first found Reiki, I approached it, as well as other energetic modalities, as an open-minded skeptic. Yet, there was no denying after my first session how different I felt afterwards - relaxed on every level, my mind free of nagging thoughts, my heart light and uplifted, and my body energetically buzzing.

When I became attuned to Reiki I, I remember wondering if I was really feeling and sensing in my hands and body, or if everyone around me in class was “making things up”. As a recovering Atheist, my trust in the universe, divine, unseen, or anything but the unscientific truth had to be restored and repaired. That took some time to heal and process, and as I began to integrate my lessons, my Reiki became stronger and my belief in helping others grew at the same intensity.

At many stages throughout my spiritual growth in most recent years, and in each modality I’ve studied (Shamanism, Reiki, Clairvoyant Training) I’ve had to re-develop trust in my intuitive abilities, since they stem from identifying my psychic senses, as well as using my imagination (or pineal gland) in different ways. I’ve also had to release blocks, resistance, and disbelief surrounding “could it really be this simple?” or “why didn’t anyone teach me this before?”. These are a few common beliefs which stand in most people’s ways of believing or practicing in the “unseen”.

When you practice energy healing, really what you are learning is how to speak the language of energy. Everything has an energetic component: our physical surroundings, our emotions, our thoughts, other people. Everything! You’re already dealing with this energetic world. What I teach my Reiki students are the tools that make management of that field (and thus your life) easier, more fun, and exciting.

The Power Of Taking Responsibility 

To live more fully, you must live in constant partnership with your body’s energy systems. Your energy system thrives on the intelligence that animates millions of processes in your body every second. More often than not, your body's intelligence is operating outside of it’s scope of competence due to being bombarded by incoming stress, and having a consistent relationship to being constantly stuck in fight or flight. 

Being in this fight or flight over a length of time can create serious health problems ranging from digestive to hormonal to more. No matter how you got there, the solution is often the same - find ways to deeply and truly relax. Not just in the body, but also in the mind.

This is how Reiki can be a complimentary practice to regular medical or psychological treatment, while also improving and accelerating your results. When a person receives Reiki, the God-Conscious part of the energy assesses where the person has blocks and then directs the healing energy, usually to the block that is nearest the hands. However, sometimes it will go to the block that is most important, even if it is far away from the hands. The Reiki energy then works with the negative thoughts and feelings that are blocking one’s natural flow of energy and heals them as well.

This can happen in a number of ways: by flowing to the affected parts of the energy field and charging them with positive energy, Reiki raises the vibration in and around the physical body where the negative thoughts and feelings are attached. Once your energy is flowing naturally, the physical organs and tissues are then able to complete their healing process.

Try to find proof that energy healing doesn’t work. There are even more testimonials that energy healing practices actually do work - such as moving breath (or prana) through breathwork and yoga, clearing your energy through intuitive meditation, reiki, or traditional Chinese medicine. All contribute to a healthier lifestyle, helping us to deal with the stresses of life in a more effective way. This explains energy healing’s growing popularity, as well as the fact that therapies, including Reiki and acupuncture are now offered alongside traditional western treatments.

Just as there are many forms of energy healing there are many energy healers in the world. It is important to find one that you feel comfortable with, that is aligned with your highest good, and works with a modality of healing that you resonate with. If you are interested in learning more about energy healing and the services I offer please reach out to me, or view all of my offerings here. I am confident that I can help you feel and be the divine individual you are meant to be, and scheduling a 15 minute connection call with me is a great place to start!

If you enjoyed reading, please join me over on Instagram for even more love, guidance, and inspiration.

The Benefits Of Alternative Healing

Have you or someone in your family experienced anxiety or depression? Do you feel sad or anxious despite prescription antidepressants and tranquilizers? Would you be interested in a more natural or holistic treatment option? Do you feel ready to get to the cause of your health problems? A holistic approach to healing looks into the complex nature of conditions such as addiction, anxiety, and depression, using a variety of alternative techniques that focus on both the mind and body.

As humanity continues to evolve, the search for holistic and alternative approaches to enhance health and well-being has infused every aspect of our culture and society. We are witnessing a remarkable renewal of interest in alternative healing techniques. For instance, according to a UCLA study, more than 60 U.S. hospitals have adopted Reiki as part of their patient services, as Reiki sessions cause patients to heal faster and with less pain. Alternative medicine is gaining acceptance as a meaningful and cost-effective way to improve patient care.

It is the nature of life to continually reach for more transformative solutions to the endless challenges that arise. In our modern, information age, everyone has access to an enormous amount of facts, data, and opinions on any subject of interest. People facing challenges with their physical, mental, or emotional health are no longer depending solely upon their physicians for advice on the management of their illness. 

Whether or not you have a healthcare background, you have unprecedented access and opportunities to learn about your body. Through the Internet, books, journals, newsletters, and support groups, more and more people are formulating their own view of their illness and how they want to approach it. Individuals are no longer passive and as patient about their healing process as they once were. There is a powerful movement of self-empowerment in the world today that originates from the sixties mindset of challenging authority.

What Is Alternative Healing?

The term “alternative therapy” refers to any health treatment not standard in Western medical practice. When used alongside standard medical practices, alternative approaches are commonly referred to by medical practitioners as “complementary” medicine.

Alternative treatments combined with conventional Western medicine help to provide supportive and life-changing opportunities for people who are sensitive to medications, or cannot afford big expensive surgeries. More than that, alternative treatments focus on prevention and treating underlying problems, not just their symptoms. Even Western medical practitioners are starting to suggest natural alternative treatments as well.

To better understand alternative healing and what it encompasses, it is best to know some of the key categories of the various treatments. They include the following:

Energy Healing

This involves the use of energy to heal the body by energizing its cells, and is based upon the theory that energy flows into, through, and then out of the human body through several energy centers known as chakras. The goal with this therapy is to create a balance of energy within the individual in order to reduce anxiety and pain and induce healing on every aspect of the physical, mental, spiritual and emotional bodies. Some examples might be Reiki, Theta Healing, Marconics, and Reconnective Healing.

Natural Products and Remedies

This involves the use of plant-based or natural materials to cure individuals of specific ailments, or to prevent the ailments from occurring in the first place. The most common and popular variations are Aromatherapy through essential oils and herbal remedies through Herbalism, Ayurvedic medicine, Traditional Chinese Medicine, Homeopathy, and Naturopathy. 

Mind and Body Practices

These involve the psychological, behavioral, social, and spiritual approaches to intervention or treatment of an individual. These are spiritual practices in order to manifest wisdom, compassion, authentic wellness, and gratitude for the benefit of all beings. The most well-known examples are yoga, and the practices of Insight Meditation (Vipassana) and loving-kindness meditation (metta), mindfulness (conscious awareness), and Breathwork.

Body-Based Therapy

This category focuses on movement and physical touch to relieve individuals from sickness, soreness, or pain. Massage therapy, Acupressure, Rolfing, Percussion Therapy and Chiropractic care are often used to help address imbalances in the body.

Alternative Medicine Techniques

These are entire systems of theory, study and practice that typically cover the non-Western medical approach or the non-conventional therapeutic approach, such as Acupuncture, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Quantum Healing Hypnosis Technique (QHHT), and Past Life Regression Therapy.

Using Alternative Approaches to Healing

There are many variations of alternative healing modalities. Researchers continue to examine their combined benefits for a variety of patients and conditions, including cancer.

Because alternative healing techniques work with the body’s natural self-healing capabilities, it actually enhances biological healing to speed up the recovery process. It also means that the body’s own internal environment is maintained during recovery rather than damaged (sometimes permanently), which doctors say antibiotics do to the body. In the case of Western antibiotics, the individual often feels “off” in their stomach after dealing with the healing that antibiotics cause. It turns out that their stomach then has to heal as well.

With alternative remedies, the body's natural state is maintained and not depleted, which would normally require a time of rebuilding after the treatment is administered. Alternative healing modalities aim to repair and strengthen the body by giving it what it needs to fight back.

What many people do not know is that alternative therapies are powerful enough to stimulate glands to re-balance hormones by re-initiating hormone production. Hormones play an enormous role in signaling the body to increase or reduce biological processes.

People can have allergies to anything, especially medications, food, and even herbal remedies. Yet there are generally fewer problems with alternative practices than with pharmaceuticals because ingesting the man-made substances are not part of the experience, and therefore it is easier for the body to heal. Alternative remedies means that there is little potential for side-effects and allergies. These techniques do work as the body is meant to operate, and that is where alternative healing has advantages over Western medicine.

A Focus on Prevention 

Western medicine is primarily focused on managing symptoms once they appear. Alternative healing aims to treat the root cause of a condition so your body can get back to doing it’s natural processes automatically—and, in many instances, can help as a preventative. The philosophy behind alternative healing is rooted in balance and equilibrium.

Conventional medicine usually comes into play once a person becomes sick, as Western medicine was developed to address acute symptoms and trauma. However, alternative healing techniques are designed to keep your illness from occurring.

There are practitioners that treat patients with a blend of Western medicine and alternative healing, which can give the patient a well-rounded and educational experience.

Individualized Attention

Again, alternative healing modalities are centered around whole-body care, which means holistic practitioners give more attention to their patients. As you may know, physical pain can also affect a person emotionally. It’s important for that aspect of treatment to be addressed as well. With alternative practices, if a person has a serious condition, the practitioner will focus on everything. 

Many traditional doctors have too many patients, not enough time, and are primarily focused on insurance payments. On the contrary, an alternative practitioner will provide more personal time with individuals and have different payment structures to be supportive of individual needs.

Enhances Your Quality of Life

Western medicine works well for getting rid of pain at the moment, but once it subsides, the pain returns. Alternative therapies aim to ensure the source of the pain is addressed. Therefore, you’re not living your life relying on medication or going through a rollercoaster of feeling well and not feeling well.

Alternative healing techniques provide reassurance and make a person feel better about their treatment. If you know something is good, then you feel confident about it. Recipients of alternative healing techniques know they will be completely cared for and treated properly.

You only get one body, and it’s essential you treat it right. When it comes to your long-term health, alternative healing techniques can be the difference between managing your symptoms or eliminating your symptoms altogether (without side-effects) so you can get back to your normal life.

Self-Fulfillment And Self-Care Is Self-Honoring And Not Selfish

As I get older, I reflect deeply upon how to take better care of me. To silence the inner voice that critiques my progress on a goal, deadline or achievement. Instead, I meet that small wounded part of me with love, acceptance and compassion and remind myself that I’m not a machine.

I grew up in a situation where shame was given anytime I laid still and rested. I was called “lazy” if I took a nap, or “selfish” when I put my wants and needs first. My attempts to adapt to an invalidating environment consistently placed me in a pattern of self disempowerment, and as a young adult, a constant search for perfectibility and certainty in my life.

However neither perfection nor certainty exist in this world, so my search was always in vain. 

Fast forward to my early 20’s as a single mother, the concept of self-care was completely alien to me. Abandoned by both my family and my daughter’s biological father, I ate whatever I could afford, and I put my needs last like all of the women in my family had. Still motivated by creating certainty and security, I also held the firm belief that the only way to be happy and to receive love and acceptance from others was to prove myself to be worthy and capable. 

I wanted to show the world that not only could I be a great mother, I could also financially support us at the same time. Yet no matter what I did, nothing ever was good enough for the people I was trying to please, and I was always exhausted.

In my early 30’s, I remember my therapist asking me, “So, if you bought your mother a house, do you think she would love you more?”. His line of questioning always bewildered me, activating my inner child's feelings of defectiveness, requiring me to instantly defend the truth of my reality. So I rewarded that therapist by refusing to see him, and I moved on with my life, never recognizing the deep connection between the source of that question, and my vulnerability to high-demand situations.

As I continued along my path as a wife and mother, my inability to defend boundaries around self-care eventually took a toll on my body. I became exhausted, depleted, and was eventually diagnosed with Graves Disease, an autoimmune condition which also threatened my eyesight. This was a huge wake-up call, as I finally realized that sacrificing my own care for others wasn’t a true or sustainable way to live. Constantly caring outwards was literally draining the life right out of me. 

As my best friend told me at the time, “Andrea, you are literally killing yourself.” 

In reality, without self-care I had very little of myself left to give to anyone else. In addition, my wounding pattern perpetuated a victim mentally that was modeled to me through my parents. I was repeatedly taught to sacrifice my own well-being and allow others to define my reality. It wasn’t until I learned how to heal myself from Graves Disease that I finally connected all the dots. Throughout that process, I had never been so cared for in my entire life.

Fast forward to a decade later of deepening my relationship with self-care, which has shown me a very different way to live, and I now know without a doubt that self-care can transform anyone’s life. Instead, it is actually selfish not to self-care. By taking responsibility for ourselves we are doing a great service and truly caring for everyone.

As a business owner working from home, I do have a tendency to over work, over give and over do, especially since my business is heart centered and I have a deep desire to serve.

However I’ve learned to practice discernment. My boundaries have been set not to upset others, but to honor myself. Not everyone deserves access to me, especially those who take more than they give. Or those who have without conscience drained and hurt me time and time again.

As a result of these changes, I now feel inspired. It now feels normal to make self-caring choices and honor myself.

Through expanding my relationship with my higher self and inner wisdom, I’ve also come to recognize that there is a strong link between setting boundaries around self-care, and developing your own intuitive abilities, which further motivates me to honor my commitment to self-fulfillment long term.

So if your boundaries are constantly being crossed, chances are you are also ignoring your intuition. This shows up in your life as:

• Turning a blind eye to things which make you uncomfortable.

• Engaging with people in situations that you know drain your energy.

• Saying yes when your intuition is screaming no.

• People pleasing and avoiding upsetting others by staying silent even to your own detriment.

A word of advice? If you also want to develop your intuition, start by honoring yourself. Practice listening and responding. Trust your intuition and take action based upon its guidance. 

I also invite you to begin noticing when you are people-pleasing, over-extending yourself, or trying to prove your worth or earn love. And take a moment to pause and remind yourself that you are already inherently worthy of being loved and valued just as you are. If they are unable to see your value and that you are worthy of love without you proving it to them, perhaps they aren’t meant for you. 

The whole idea around personal or spiritual development revolves around building emotional resilience and healthy boundaries. That is something I am always working towards myself, and that is something I teach now. 

People will still be overbearing with their expectations of you, however you can also remind yourself that you aren’t responsible for meeting their needs - they are. In discovering the truth about self-care and what it can bring to your life, you have nothing to lose but your exhaustion.

Unblocking Your Chakras

What Are The Seven Chakras and How Can You Unblock Them?

Chakras have only recently become more well-known, with the growth in popularity of yoga and New Age philosophies. However, the concept of chakras comes to us from the yogic literature of the Hindu and Buddhist traditions from thousands of years ago, having first been mentioned in the Vedas, the ancient sacred texts of spiritual knowledge dating from 1500 to 1000 BC.

Chakras are a complex and ancient energy system found in everyone, and these centers receive, transform and distribute the universal life force throughout your body. Chakra (cakra in Sanskrit) means “wheel” and refers to energy points that should stay open and aligned, as each corresponds to a bundle of nerves, major organs, and areas of our energetic body that affect our well-being. 

You can imagine your chakras like wheels of free-flowing positive energy. Some say there are 114 different chakras; however there are seven main chakras that run along your spine, each playing a role in the flow of energy throughout your body. Each chakra is responsive to a different color, musical note, mantra, sensory experience, essential oil, crystal or mineral, spiritual lesson, and astrological sign. Those located at the sites of the major endocrine glands, correspond to particular states of consciousness, personality types and endocrine secretions. 

What Is The Difference Between Open & Closed?

When all of our chakras are open, energy can run through them freely, and harmony exists between the physical body, mind, and spirit. 

A healthy chakra can be identified by its clear and vibrant color, and the speed and smoothness of its movement, indicating your life is flowing smoothly. An unhealthy chakra is usually seen as having murky coloration and erratic or sluggish movement, or its vibration is weak, and the imbalance can show up as a physical symptom affecting a particular area of your body, or as an emotional or psychological symptom affecting your outlook.

The health and vibrancy of each chakra is influenced by both the energies that surround you and the energies projected from your own belief system (your thoughts and feelings.) This combined energy is then recorded and stored in your body and consciousness affecting how you feel and experience life. The more aware and informed you are about the state your chakras are in, the happier and healthier you will be.

How Do Chakras Work?

Each chakra rotates in a spiral vibration, originating outside our auric field and then flows into various points along the spine, which are connected to the nervous system. Every one of our chakras vibrate at a different frequency; the first chakra vibrates at the slowest densest vibration in the aura, moving up through the seventh, which vibrates at a faster, more refined frequency. 

Each chakra has a specific tone, color and filter, which allow a person to organize and digest information energetically and use it in our physical world. The first three chakras are oriented towards the physical experience which is a more dense energy frequency, so they naturally move slower than the middle and upper chakras. The heart chakra acts as the bridge between the physical chakras and the etheric spiritual experience which are centered in chakras five, six, and seven.

What Are The Colors Of The Chakras?

The chakras teach us that our bodies are made up as rays of light. Each chakra has a color that resonates with a specific frequency on the color spectrum. As this light is refracted it moves through our chakra wheels, the corresponding color appears due to the varying degrees of this wave-like energy.

For example, the crown chakra reflects white/violet because it has the shortest wavelength, and white is the highest color on the color spectrum. Respectively, the root chakra reflects the color red, which has the longest wavelength, as red is the lowest color on the color spectrum.

The colors that come through our chakra system affect us deeply, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. This spectrum of light throughout each chakra affects every living cell within our body. Because of this we can use color frequencies to rejuvenate our chakras and help us move toward wholeness.

The particular color of each chakra corresponds to the classic color spectrum:

7. Crown - Violet (white/gold)

6. Third eye (Brow) - Indigo

5. Throat - Blue

4. Heart - Green

3. Solar plexus - Yellow

2. Sacral - Orange

1. Root - Red

How Can I Unblock My Chakras?

Start by answering the following questions in your journal:

• Which of the seven colors is the easiest for you to imagine?

• Which is your favorite color? 

• How does that color make you feel?

• What color is your least favorite? 

• When surrounded by that color how does it make you feel?

As you explore these questions, allow your third eye (your sixth chakra) to activate and open. See if you can recall specific memories associated with your favorite and least favorite color. Write these memories down in your journal. 

Now, trusting your intuition, what does your attraction to specific colors and resistance to others tell you about your chakras? You may wonder if your interpretations are accurate, but remember to trust your first response and the awareness it brings to you, and you will energetically feel whether or not your insights are valid. No one knows your chakra system better than you, even if you are new to conscious awareness of your chakras.

Another great way to promote balance in a particular chakra is to create alignment in your physical body through:

• yoga postures

• breathing practices to encourage the flow of energy

• meditation to bring about clarity of mind

Each chakra has yoga poses that may help fine-tune its energy. Here are some poses that may help unblock each of your seven chakras:

7. Crown - Savasana, or Corpse Pose in order to connect you to your higher self, reminding you where you came from and where you’ll go.

6. Third eye (Brow) - Poses such as Forward Fold or Folded Eagle are great for manifesting a dream into a physical reality, so we can invite a new reality into your life by dreaming up different possibilities. 

5. Throat - Communication center: Plow and Fish Poses open up the back and front sides of your neck.

4. Heart - Heart openers such as Camel Pose or Wheel, to open us up to deeper connections with others, and integrate our lower chakras with our higher chakras. Or Cow Face Pose and Humble Warrior, which help open your chest, shoulders, and arms so you can more fully embrace others.

3. Solar plexus - Inner Fire: Boat or Triangle Pose for firing up your abs and strengthening your core.

2. Sacral - Reproduction, creativity and sensuality: Bridge Pose to strengthen your pelvic floor, or hip openers like Pigeon Pose or Lizard Pose.

1. Root - Your base and foundation: Tree Pose or balancing poses, like Mountain or Warrior, to establish a relationship with your body’s foundation.

If you are still not sure where to start, or just want to know more about your chakras and how they may affect you, consider working with a professional energy healer, such as a reiki practitioner, or a certified yoga instructor. Consider attending a Reiki Circle, as Reiki meditation helps you to declutter any physical, physical, emotional, or spiritual blocks, and will get the energy flowing. When the energies flow freely, it helps your body to create harmony within and it releases imbalances created by negative influences.

Fortunately, there are many things you can do to rebalance and stimulate the vibrational flow of your chakras. You can do the work with each chakra to bring your life back into harmonious and healthy flow. The result is that you will start to feel more confident, energized, and peaceful—at every moment and in any situation.

Making Friends With Negative Talk

One thing that mindful breathing has taught me is to become friends with all of my thoughts, especially the ones I don’t want to admit to having. The circular thoughts that won’t leave me alone and pester me like a broken record. The ones which cloud my internal clarity and keep me paralyzed, and stuck in the space of inaction. The ones that are so loud, they take over my life like the knob being broken off of the stereo.

There are even days where I can go looking consistently for confirmation of what I’m hearing within my thoughts—something to point to on the outside. This phenomenon is called energetic matching, or matching vibration. It is the foundational beliefs surrounding the law of attraction. 

According to this universal law, the universe which surrounds you is an energetic mirror (or frequency of vibration) of what you believe to be true about yourself and your current reality. What you send out to the universe will determine what you receive back. For example: if you think you are stuck, you will get more and more signs or proof that you are stuck. This universal law reaffirms your choices, reflecting back exactly what you’ve selected—whether you actually want that internal belief or not.

Ever heard the phrase, “Your thoughts become your reality”? It’s a phrase rooted in this law.

What Negative Self-Talk Can Look Like

The judge or inner-critic can sometimes become the loudest. It can bully all your other thoughts in order to prove your irrational fears or [incorrect] beliefs of what’s going on inside your head to be true. When you catch yourself in negative self-talk, it's a matter of recognizing the thought, reminding yourself that it is not true and affirming what you want to be true. Remember, that self-shame and guilt should steer clear during this exercise.

Negative self-talk can look different for everyone. It can appear when you look in the mirror, when you compare your accomplishments with another, or when you are dating. As humans, we are all individually prone to negative self-talk that may or may not be unique to us. 

You may view yourself as a victim. In this instance, you can remind yourself that your life is within your control. You are not stuck in unhappiness or your patterns no matter how it might feel. 

Maybe you feel rigid and unforgiving—stubborn even when it does not serve you. Your thoughts may reflect an inner pressure to be perfect and needless.

You may have thoughts surrounding not being good enough, that you have to do everything, or that you are not doing enough.

You can see, once you start paying attention, how your negative self-talk can take over easily. This is why it’s important to be self-aware and then allow yourself to soften.

What it Means to Focus on Your Breath 

Try these 3 practices to feel the benefits of mindfully working with the breath:

1) First, make friends with your breath. The body breathes without you having to do anything or be anywhere. You can use your breath as an object of attention to shift out of "fight-or-flight", giving yourself a break from anxious thoughts by choosing to focus on your inhales and exhales, and nothing else.

2) Now, get comfortable with the ups and downs. One of the greatest benefits of any meditation is that you can learn how to more easily “go with the flow.” By focusing on the constancy of your breath, you can get familiar with the unfolding of your emotions and reactions, and learn to “ride” them out instead of getting wrapped up in them. 

3) Finally, bring the breath with you. You don’t have to adopt a practice of hours of seated meditation in order to receive the benefits. Small increments of 2-3 minutes throughout your day can make a tremendous difference in the quality of your life.

When you find yourself in these spirals of negative self-talk, recognize them for what they are. Come back to your breath and let it all go. It’s important to forgive yourself for not doing things “right” as often as you think you should—and recognize that your thoughts do not define you.  Focusing on your breath is an invitation to come back to yourself and a chance to start over again.

I now can recognize that my negative thoughts are always about my past, and not only do I need to release the thoughts, but I also have to integrate the emotions surrounding those thoughts in order to fully release them. Even when I’m working throughout the day, I have begun to incorporate this practice of returning to my breath—eyes open, not meditating. As with anything, once practiced, it becomes a part of you and requires less effort to manage—like riding a bike or driving a car.

I feel like we’ve all been conditioned to think that free will over our thoughts is just an illusion. It’s true that this awareness and technique takes time, patience, and practice to unwind, unravel, and un-do. It takes work to wake-up from our thoughts and remember that they are a part of us, just like our breath. You are completely in control of your thoughts, (if you want to be).

How about you?

When was the last time you told yourself something loving, kind, or compassionate? How about telling yourself how capable you are, and how you always figure things out? How many of your thoughts are completely random? Any habitual thoughts? How many reactive thoughts do you have?

On average, you can assume you have around 15-20 thoughts per minute. When you exercise, meditate, or practice deep breathing youCo can usually pause our thoughts temporarily. For those few moments you are completely present within yourself. But in a greater sense, unless you are actively aware of your thoughts, they are bound to hijack your deeper understanding and awareness, and yes, even your sense of safety.

What is your relationship to your thoughts? Do you accept every thought as an absolute truth without room for inquiry? Do you allow your anxiety and fears to override any happiness or joy, convinced this is the way things have to be? Do you allow yourself the freedom to pull away from the constant chatter?

Turning Your Self-Talk Around

1. Replace Envy with Feeling Happy for Others

Envy can  look like resentment, jealousy, judgement, or even anger. After some reflection, ask yourself, “Why shouldn't I feel happy for others even if it's not a situation that is making me feel particularly happy?” As soon as you begin to feel envy towards another, instead of blaming yourself for feeling that way, immediately turn that envy into joy and gratitude for the person in question.

This practice (and it does take practice) is the perfect antidote for envy, resentment, judgement,  and other painful thoughts and emotions that can arise when you encounter a person who is enjoying something you’re not, or is thriving on an experience more than you are.

2. Cultivate Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is my “go-to” practice when I’m not feeling good… and negative self-talk definitely does not feel good. How do you practice self-compassion? Talk to yourself as gently and as kindly as you can. That’s all compassion is: being kind and caring.

Be sure to use a calm and gentle voice as you turn your negative self-talk around. And don’t worry if it feels fake at first. Just keep doing it. You are planting a seed. Gradually, your kind and caring self-talk will become genuine. And as it becomes genuine, your negative self-talk will fade, eventually losing its grip on you.

Anytime you need a quick pick-me-up, write down the five things people tend to compliment you on; this will serve as a reminder of your value. Or you can remind yourself of the aspects of your character that do generally make you feel proud and happy, regardless of whether or not anyone else has commented on them.

A lot of the most common forms of negative thinking revolve around unrealistically high standards. The next time you are feeling low, or doubting your own abilities because you are not perfect, remember that no one is. We are all a work in progress.

Living With Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Ever crossed paths with someone who displays narcissistic tendencies? These people tend to leave a lasting impression, maybe even a deficient bank account or a wake of broken relationships, but almost always coming with both an extreme depletion of energy and a sense of unrelenting confusion. Once you recognize that you have invited a narcissist into your experience, your life will never quite be the same.

What Are The Signs of Living With A Narcissist? 

When you live with someone with untreated narcissistic personality disorder, you are living with someone who is unstable. They cannot regulate their own emotions. They go up and down and they insist that you go up and down with them.

Something small can trigger them and suddenly they are enraged, and usually at you. If you do not immediately apologize and act as if the whole thing is your fault, their fragile ego will cause them to escalate the fight. You become the enemy. They will then double down on the idea that it is all your fault and try to punish you for it.

If this is a long term relationship, at best your life will be a series of waves that you will have to emotionally surf.

How Disappointment Ensues

No matter how much you try, no matter how good you are, you will periodically get devalued, mistreated, and threatened. Things will be going great one moment, then suddenly your narcissistic partner will get triggered and you are no longer surfing, you are underwater drowning.

The longer you live with a narcissist, the more you are likely to exhaust yourself trying to stay optimistic. After a while, your partner’s pattern will become extremely and sickeningly obvious. No matter how well things appear to be going, it can all change in a second and become truly heart or gut wrenching -- like walking into a room and being sucker-punched. 

It is quite disheartening because, other than leave, there is nothing you can do to make your home life stable and emotionally safe.

Who Do They Choose As Their Partners?

Narcissists are often in a relationship with codependent and boundary-less people -- those with incredible emotional empathy and a background of abuse. The narcissist's need for control over their partner stems from their own abusive or neglectful childhood where they did not have any control themselves.

So if you ever try to communicate your needs in the relationship by speaking up or being assertive, a narcissist will start with the silent treatment as if they are the victim, until you back down. They want to make all the decisions in the relationship while you observe and watch, using defensiveness, excuses, stonewalling, or gaslighting as a form of emotional abuse. This is all used to manipulate you. And because you come from a background of abuse, you tolerate and even normalize their behaviors towards you, and everyone else.

Having a relationship with a narcissist will also create a constant state of inner confusion and exhaustion. You are simultaneously drained of your energy while also questioning your self-worth. No matter what you do, it will never be enough; they will always find a way to criticize you one way or the other, until you give up and truly believe that you are not good enough, loveable or worthy. 

Defeated, you will feel like everything is your fault and often apologize for nothing. Being with a narcissist will also make you feel like the narcissist -- as they will accuse you of being irrational, difficult, crazy, or wrong, make you second guess or feel guilty for your choices. Narcissists lack emotional empathy; therefore, their constant taunting behaviour takes a significant toll on your mental health.

The Delusional Trap To Avoid

It is very common for both narcissists and their partners to both find themselves disappointed and rather shocked that everything is not going as expected in the relationship. The psychological term used to describe this phenomenon is called cognitive dissonance.

First of all, narcissists are so delusional and dishonest that they play themselves along with their partner. Whenever they meet a new romantic interest they think this time around it will all be different. This person will finally make them happy and lift their fragile self-esteem and ego, making them feel good about themselves all the time.

So the narcissist puts their best foot forward and says all the right things. They act sweet, attentive, and considerate. This isn’t necessarily fake. They truly feel that you are perfect for them and that they have a real chance at a long lasting relationship with you.

The problem is that they lack the skills needed to handle a real relationship. So as soon as the relationship tests them through any disagreements and misunderstandings that naturally transpire, they aren’t able to navigate their negative emotions maturely. If you are paying close attention, this is the time they start to reveal their true colors.

This is when they start to play games. Instead of communicating their feelings directly and authentically, they resort to manipulations in order to control, influence, exploit, provoke, and punish the person of interest. If they can’t play the source the way they want and the source sees right through their perverted pretenses and calls them out, they typically pull the plug and disappear in true coward fashion.

Narcissists are bored, weak and lazy. Yes initially they believe they got lucky to have found someone good looking, kind, and intelligent. However they lack the skills to keep up the facade for any extended periods of time.

What Are Some Narcissistic Traits To Look For?

• A sense of entitlement

• Takes you for granted

• A need to be in control

• A lack of emotional empathy

• Never apologizes

• Justified in their rage and blame

• Extreme self-centeredness

• Gives only with a goal

• Grandiosity

• Poor impulse control

• Requires constant affirmation and adoration

How Is Narcissism Created?

Narcissists are created in loveless homes, by loveless families, where the child is just an extension of the parent.

Often competing with their children, the narcissistic parent likes to also play favorites -- showing outrageous favor to one child while over-punishing the other. The idea is to constantly cause division amongst the children so they won’t gang up on the parent.

The child also never experiences love from this parent without conditions, and lives in a home where children are to blame for everything that is wrong. 

Disproportionate Punishment And Treatment

If we have a childhood where our parents love us despite our flaws, we are punished proportionally to our bad behavior, and it feels like our parents still respect, love us and want us to be safe, we will be able to put together that our mother who punishes us and the one who is nice to us are the same person. As we grow up and mature, we also learn to integrate the good and bad parts in ourselves into one stable, realistic person.

However, if our parents aren’t able to see us realistically, and instead treat us as all good or all bad, we will not have the ability to learn how to see good and bad within a whole person. It's called whole object relations.

If you don't have it, you see other people as either all good, or all bad. And you will see yourself as all good or all bad. 

All-Good = They see the person as perfect, special, flawless, high status, idealizable, and entitled to special treatment.

All-Bad = They see the person as defective, inadequate, worthless garbage, low status, fair game for devaluation and abuse, and entitled to nothing.

And, if you do not have whole object relations, you will not have object constancy either because object constancy depends on being able to see both sides of a person at once.

Object constancy is the ability to maintain the big picture of your whole relationship, especially the good parts and good feelings towards someone, when you are angry, hurt, frustrated, or physically distant from the person. 

For instance, during a fight, once someone with narcissistic personality disorder gets angry with you, they will immediately see you as all-bad and “forget” their past positive feelings for you—or explain them away as mistakes in an attempt to resolve the discrepancy between their current feelings towards you and any past positive feelings.

You are a terrible person and so mean to me. If I ever said otherwise, it was because I was taken in by how ‘nice’ you were acting at the time.

Narcissists can say something as nonsensical as the above because they do not realize that they have not yet developed the capacity to form an integrated view of people—something that most other people learn by the age of 6. Therefore, they have to rationalize away the inconsistency between their current view of you and their past view because they can only alternate between seeing you as either all-good or all-bad.

Fast Forward to Adulthood

At the start of a new relationship, narcissists may see their new person as flawless. Then, as they see the person act in ways that do not perfectly fit the picture of their ideal life, or start to notice the person’s normal human flaws, they may try and deal with their disillusionment in some of the following ways:

• Accusations—Instead of realizing that they were expecting too much and adjusting their expectations to fit the reality, they accuse the other person of deceiving them or having bad intentions. “I thought you were so nice, but now I see you fooled me and were acting the whole time.”

• Controlling Behavior—They try to force their partner to change to be more in line with their initial beliefs about what they were like. “You would look hotter if you wore this outfit instead.”

• Threats—When their partner does not go along with their requests or holds different ideas, they may try and bully them into compliance. “You will be very, very sorry if you keep up that behavior.”

• Devaluation—They try to motivate their partner to change by trying to convince them that whatever they are doing or thinking is wrong, stupid, ignorant, and worthless. “Nobody with any intelligence would ever say what you just said.”

• Punishments—They feel entitled to punish their partner for not complying with their wishes. “I am not taking you out for dinner as planned because you are making me so angry.”

What Is Really Going On?

In many ways, narcissists are emotionally and cognitively stuck at a childlike state of development. They still see themselves as the center of the world, cannot conceive that other people can have a valid point of view that differs from their own, and do not understand that it is unreasonable to expect other people to empathically intuit all their needs. They may have a high IQ and be brilliant at their job, but in many ways their view of people and relationships is not equal.

When narcissists are emotionally triggered, they only focus on how they feel in the moment. People with narcissistic personality disorder are usually focused on their current thoughts and feelings, not how they felt twenty minutes ago or how they might feel in the future. Once something triggers a strong negative or positive response, that reaction takes center stage. Narcissists then act as if their current emotional state and way of thinking is all there is and will last forever.

Thus, if you are dating someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, when your lover feels great about you, he or she may start making plans for the future with you—even though the two of you hardly know each other. “Let’s go to Rome together. I can’t wait to show you my favorite restaurant.” Then something you do triggers a negative reaction and suddenly those plans are history, leaving you in a state of confusion.

What Did I Do Wrong? 

Most of us believe that when someone loves us they will do or feel some of the following:

• They will try to avoid hurting us.

• They will care about our feelings.

• They will empathize with us.

• When we feel unhappy, they will try to soothe us or cheer us up.

• They will not lie to us.

• They will take our side in an argument with other people.

• They will not devalue us to other people behind our backs.

• They will try and keep their promises to us.

• They will be sexually and emotionally faithful to us if we agree to be in a monogamous relationship.

After the courtship period is over, if you are in love with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and believe that they love you (whether you know their actual diagnosis or not), you are likely to find that the person’s actual behavior violates your belief system. This puts you in the position of having cognitive dissonance.

So, what do you do now?

At that point, most partners of narcissists use one or more of the following psychological defenses to try and diminish their cognitive dissonance without having to leave the relationship. This is not meant to be an exhaustive list, just some of the more common ways people deal with this type of contradictory information:

• Denial—They refuse to believe the new information. “He would never cheat on me. He loves me.”

• Rationalization—They make excuses that minimize the importance of the behavior. “She was drunk when she called me those vile names. That is not likely to ever happen again.”

• Blaming Oneself—Preserving the other person’s basic goodness by taking the blame for their bad behavior. “It was really my fault. I provoked him.”

• Normalization—They comfort themselves with the idea that the behavior or attitude is normal. “Everyone loses their temper occasionally.”

How Can You Walk Away From Narcissists For Good?

What many people don't realize is that the people we engage with will always mirror who we are on the inside. They reflect our insecurities, self-doubts, tendencies to over give, and feelings of unworthiness. However, once you learn the (sometimes very loud) lessons these types of relationships provide, you can heal to a depth you may not have known existed.

• Identify if you are in a toxic relationship and seek support to show you how to navigate, or potentially end it.

• Release ties and energetic cords to free yourself from toxic relationships, as well as any and all karmic ties, contracts or agreements.

• Stop living for the expectations of others and recalibrate to your own needs.

• Heal to the core and permanently release patterns that do not serve you.

• Embrace empowerment and self-confidence.

• Learn to trust yourself and your guidance system to be your own most reliable and consistent ally.

Now, show them that everything they thought they knew about you was a miscalculation.They thought you would never put your foot down and say no to them? Refuse something really important that they are asking for, and do not budge.

They thought you would always place more importance on their well-being than on your own? Show them that if they are headed in the direction of their own demise, you will help walk them to their next stop.

They thought you would never have the ability to leave them and make it on your own? Show them that life goes on without their help and create a life without them.

How To Get Unstuck Emotionally And Mentally

This period of time in history is full of challenges for all of humanity. The landscape of the world as we know it has been turned on its head sideways, and as we begin to peer out from this altered perspective, we immediately see with visual acuity all that we need to change about ourselves, and about our environment. 

So please be careful with one another. Be careful with yourself. There are extreme energy changes pulsing through the universe at every level and, of course, we are all part of the process and the collective growing pains. Remind yourself regularly—you are not being singled out and you are definitely not alone in all of this. Each of us holds a grain of sand in our very capable hands to once again rebuild Fantastica.

Explore Your Purpose

Old paradigms have shifted and shattered. Our Ivory Tower may have fallen. We sit quietly in the stillness just before the sunrise, like the phoenix listening to the wind blow. Laying in the smoldering ashes, crumble and rubble, just before taking flight again lighting up the dark, early morning sky. We remind ourselves that all is not for naught.

Due to our current and very intense surroundings, it can be incredibly challenging to maintain a positive attitude and a measure of faith, especially when we are in the midst of such difficulties. In our evolution, we tend to think that if the universe loves us we will experience that love in the form of continuous positive circumstances. One, right after the other. When in actuality, we continue to evolve into higher states of awareness of our true capacity and potential.

Like a child, the universe is gentle and lovingly coercing us to choose more for ourselves while we are here, reminding us of our soul contracts with others, and to be better versions of ourselves always. The universe is our wise mother who knows what our soul needs in order to thrive, better than we could possibly imagine for ourselves in this lifetime. The universe knows why we came, and assists us to remember too.

Just as a young child does not benefit from getting everything she wants immediately, we also benefit from times of constriction and difficulty to help us grow and learn. If we keep this in mind, and continue to trust that we are loved and guided even when things are hard, it helps us bear the difficult time with grace.

If we continue to meditate and keep our connection with our angels, ancestors, and galactic guides of light, you’ll know they are directing and guiding us every step of the way. To receive their guidance, direction or information, we need to check in and ask for what we need. Through our meditation, we continue to keep our connection without getting lost in the struggle of this third dimensional reality.

Let Go Of The Past

It also helps if we remember that life is one phase after another and that these difficult times will inevitably give way to something new and different. When we feel overwhelmed we can comfort ourselves with the wise saying: This too shall pass. 

At the same time, if you truly feel that nothing is going right for you, it's never a bad idea to examine your life and see if there are some immediate changes you can make to alleviate some of the difficulty that stands in your way every day. How could things become simpler? What are you still gripping onto that needs to fall away? How could you relieve your frustrations and help alleviate your pains? What are you resisting, and willing to give up for such freedom?

It's important to take stock of what is going on and find out if there is something we are doing or not doing that is keeping us stuck. Sometimes the situation is out of our control, and we need to look within to find the patience required to wait with equanimity until things move forward again. Many times, though, we can find the source of our stagnation in our own hearts and minds. Sometimes we are clinging to old ideas about reality and we need to make adjustments that will bring us back in tune with life, so we can flow again. Sometimes we find that fear of change is what's keeping us stuck, and we can resolve to find ways of facing that fear. 

Gently and compassionately explore the areas which give you the most trouble. May this intentionality reveal things that you have been holding onto and need to release, such as: unprocessed emotions, unresolved transitions, or negative ways of looking at yourself or your reality. 

If introspection does not provide the answers you need, it can sometimes be helpful to ask those around you if they notice anything obvious that you might not be able to see. Remember to ask someone whom you can trust to be kind and sensitive as well as honest. Try to let go of your resistance because whenever there is something we can't see ourselves, it's because we don't want to see it. Try to listen with an open mind, and remember that you are always the final judge of what you need. Anything offered to us from an outside source will need to be processed and integrated before its wisdom can take hold. 

As you begin to take responsibility for the things you can change, and choose differently, you begin to create a paradigm shift in your life. Open your hands and your heart and begin asking and reaching for the things you really want. You will more easily surrender to things you cannot change, remembering all the while that this phase will, without doubt, give way to another transition of time. Keep in perspective that you may be at the bottom of the ferris wheel right now, but you will eventually roll up to the top, with that gorgeous and amazing view you’ve been working so hard towards, spilled out before you. Don’t give up until you do.

Change Your Perspective

In order to move forward and make progress towards your most abundant life, you have to get out of your own way and allow yourself to let it happen. 

The first step in allowing yourself to thrive is releasing yourself from the feeling of being stuck. When you feel stuck, you hurt your chances of succeeding by mentally stopping yourself from taking the steps towards progress. 

And since the feeling of stuckness is so ingrained in your thinking, you may not even know that you are your own reason for not making progress. This causes resentment towards other parts of your life, and growing resentment towards yourself and the thing you’re trying to achieve. 

Start With Small Changes

It shouldn’t be a surprise to you that this is a common problem with most people. When we feel stuck, it can be helpful to let go of our resistance to the change that wants to come forth. You may be committing self-sabotage, fear-led decisions, and taking actions to simply survive and not thrive without even knowing it. 

In all this, be kind to yourself and remember that we all get stuck sometimes. Think of it as a part of your process, a necessary step on your journey, rather than as a problem that shouldn't be happening. This can help to keep your frustration at bay and give you the space you need to take a deep breath and really figure out what's going on. 

So many of the people I see in my practice get "stuck" at some point...stuck in a pattern, a habit, a coping mechanism that isn't helping them, in a routine, in an unhappy relationship, in a place, in a job they dislike, in a way of thinking, etc. In fact, everyone gets "stuck" in something at some point in life. It can be during a transitional phase or during a time when we are feeling emotionally low or more isolated than usual. It is digging out of the hole we created for ourselves and getting "unstuck" that is the challenge for people when this occurs. Why can it be so difficult to make new, positive changes stick when we are in a rut?

Effective Change Takes Time

One conflict is time. It takes time to allow for or to create change. In order to have the discipline, patience, and focus, as we start on a path towards positive change, it takes more time than we might be used to in this age of immediate gratification and lightning fast technology. We have to learn to slow down a bit and make the time we need to in a realistic way for the necessary changes to happen in our lives. We must not be discouraged if our progress is steady, but at more of a snail's pace than we'd hoped.

Stop Perpetuating The Blame

Another issue I frequently observe is that many people don't feel truly worthy of positive and healthy changes in their lives. They hold grudges against and judge themselves, thinking that they must continue to struggle and suffer as a sort of "penance" for the prior mistakes they have made in their lives, as if they are not deserving of happiness. The reality is everyone deserves to be healthy and happy. Everyone is worthy of self-love and love from others. We must learn to accept ourselves, flaws and all, to stop judging ourselves and running negative "tapes" in our heads, and to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes. This is the truest way to be healthier, happier, and more fulfilled in our lives permanently.

Take Breaks When Necessary

Another thing that seems to sabotage a lot of people's progress is that they set their goals way too high all at once in the beginning and/or lose patience at the amount of progress they are making slowly over time with such aggressive goals. When, in reality, we have to understand that making small steps in progress toward our overall goal a little bit at a time. It is also important to be "real" with ourselves and set goals we know we will be committed to and will be able to attain, even if it means asking for additional help and support, or taking more time if we need it. We can't expect everything to go our way or to happen overnight. So, hoping for the best, while simultaneously being prepared for challenges that we may need to face, and also being patient and gentle with ourselves, is a great way to approach any type of change.

Be Patient With Your Progress

Some people are ashamed when they don't make the immediate progress that they hoped to achieve, and so they begin to lie or gloss over the truth, with themselves or others, which means they reach a dangerous place of living in denial. This form of escape can actually set you back further away from your intended goals, create more problems that you will need to deal with later anyway, and cause new, unhealthy habits you didn't ever expect to occur. Honesty with yourself and others is the best policy when approaching change. It may be difficult to be honest at first, as the truth can hurt or be scary. But, in the long run, honesty makes everything so much easier and simpler, especially when you are also willing to take responsibility for and own the negative or unhealthy thoughts and behaviors you created in your life.

Dig Emotionally Deep

Stop playing the role of victim and look at what you have done to create and live in your own situation. Sure, other people may also be accountable on some level. But, if you have chosen to continue to hide from or escape the truth of what part you have played in your current situation, you have hurt yourself and may even be enabling the negative/unhealthy habits of those around you.

Focus On Your Own Changes

Remember, you unfortunately can't change anyone else or force someone to change out of unhealthy thought patterns or behaviors against his or her will. Just like you, everyone else only makes healthy changes when fully ready to do so. We can't nag or control/manipulate anyone else into thinking or processing the way that we do or into treating himself/herself better. Just because you are making these transformations for the better in your own life, don't expect everyone else to do so. It is a bonus if your efforts and progress inspire someone else. But, we can't force change on anyone. So, we must accept and love others as they are, respecting their choices, while simultaneously honoring ourselves and our own needs.

You may want to ask yourself some important questions both before you begin to make healthy changes in your life. Here are a few to get you thinking and working things out mentally and emotionally before you take action:

• Why do I want to change? Am I doing this for myself, others or both?

• What might be the long term benefits of these changes? How about the short term benefits?

• Will this make my life healthier and happier?

• Who can I turn to when I need support while I am making these changes?

• If I get scared/uncomfortable or if old feelings/habits sneak up when positive changes start to happen in my life, what will I use as a strategy to cope with these feelings/actions in a healthier way than I used to? (In other words, come up with a healthy habit here to replace an old, unhealthy habit.)

• What strengths do I already have that I can rely on while I am making these changes? What are the things I already like or love about myself?

• If I start to feel unworthy or judgemental of myself during this process, what can I do or tell myself to help stop it before it sabotages my progress towards happiness?

• Do I have any role models/mentors that I can aspire to and learn from who have made these types of changes in their own lives? What can those people teach me?

• What is a reasonable and realistic time frame for me to reach my first small goal in these changes? 

• How can I reward myself (not with food or alcohol/drugs/tobacco, etc....but with something healthy that encourages the good habit to continue) when I reach my first small goal?

• How much time can I realistically spend on these changes every day?

• What are some of the things, like thought patterns, behaviors, people, situations, etc., that I need to let go of in order to help these positive changes happen?

Change usually takes time. Just to change and replace one unhealthy habit into a new, healthy habit, can take over a month of effort of repetition before it sticks with you. Don't get discouraged...and if you do, make sure you created a back-up plan for yourself, so you don't slide back into those old habits and patterns on a bad day.

The more positive support and encouragement you have with yourself through this process, the more successful you will become. It can also help to speak with a trusted friend, therapist or healer, or even find a support group to help you through the transition and fear that often accompanies big change. A support system can help you to succeed and reach your goals, even when there are bumps in the road along the way.

Being emotionally unstuck comes down to taking action and holding yourself more responsible for what you do. Take all the time you need to get unstuck. This is all part of your journey for more soul expansion, growth and freedom.