How To Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential if we want to be both physically and emotionally healthy.

Creating healthy boundaries is empowering. By recognizing the need to set and enforce physical and emotional limits, you protect your self-esteem, maintain self-respect, and enjoy healthy relationships. By setting energetic boundaries, you are able to better navigate challenging circumstances, feel better, and shield yourself from daily stress, irritants, and other people’s energy.  

Unhealthy boundaries cause emotional pain that can lead to dependency, depression, anxiety, and even stress-induced physical illness. A lack of boundaries is like leaving the door to your home unlocked: anyone on the street can enter at will. On the other hand, having too rigid of boundaries can lead to social and emotional isolation, like you are living at the top of a castle surrounded by a wall of thorns, and a moat. No one can get in, and it takes a lot of effort for you to ever leave.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to behave around them, and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits. 

By definition, boundaries are a system of limit setting that enhances a person’s ability to have a sense of self and control the impact of reality on themselves and others.

Healthy boundaries are a crucial component of self-care. That’s because in work or in our interpersonal relationships, poor boundaries lead to resentment, anger, and burnout. The purpose of boundaries is to protect and contain our reality.

Setting healthy boundaries can have many benefits, including helping people make decisions based upon what is best for them, not just the people around them. This autonomy is an important part and component of self-care.

The types of boundaries one might set depends upon the setting. One person’s healthy boundaries with a romantic partner will be very different from that same person’s healthy boundaries with a boss or coworker, and they will also be very different from the boundaries you might choose, and so on.

The easiest way to think about a boundary is a property line with a fence. If you also see a “No Trespassing” sign on the fence, this sends you a clear message that if you violate this boundary, there will be a consequence. This type of boundary is easy to understand because you can see the sign and the border it protects. Personal boundaries can be harder to define because the lines are invisible, can and do change, and are unique to each individual. 

Personal boundaries, just like the “No Trespassing” sign, define where you end and others begin and are determined by the amount of physical and emotional space you allow between yourself and others. 

Personal boundaries help you decide what types of communication, behavior, and interaction are acceptable. 

Why is it important to set boundaries? 

• To practice self-care and self-respect 

• To communicate your needs in a relationship 

• To make time and space for positive interactions 

• To set limits in a relationship in a way that is healthy for you

Physical And Spiritual Boundaries 

Physical and spiritual boundaries provide a barrier between you and a physical or energetic invasion into your space. It’s similar to how a Band-Aid might protect a wound from bacteria, or a mask might protect you from Covid. These boundaries protect the physical and energetic bodies by controlling physical distance, touch, emotion, vibration and sensation. 

Physical Boundaries include your body, sense of personal space, sexual orientation, and sense of privacy, expressed through clothing, shelter, noise tolerance, verbal instruction, and body language. 

Spiritual boundaries use your physical and personal boundaries for connection with self, others, and your Higher Power.

A typical example of a physical boundary violation would be someone who is a close talker. Your immediate and automatic reaction would be to step back in order to reset your personal space to a level that is right and comfortable to you. By doing this, you send a non-verbal message or cue that when this person stands so close to you, you feel an invasion of your personal space. 

If your close talker continues to move closer to you, you might verbally tell him/her to stop and stay where they are. If you continue to feel threatened or pressured, you may also notice and start to feel the sensations of panic or fear, which is a tingling at the top of your stomach.

Other examples of physical boundary invasions are: 

• Touching a person without his/her permission, or knowingly exposing others to a contagious illness.

• Looking through others’ personal files and emails, or listening to another's private conversations without his/her permission. 

• Not allowing a person to have privacy and violating a person's right to privacy. 

Emotional And Intellectual Boundaries 

Emotional boundaries affect your self-esteem, the ability to separate your feelings from others’, or how you give meaning to incoming data. When you have weak emotional boundaries, it’s like getting caught in the midst of a hurricane with nowhere to run. You are exposed and vulnerable and greatly affected by your conditions. You are bombarded by all the sensations surrounding you: others’ words, thoughts, and actions. In particular, specific beliefs, behaviors, choices, or a sense of responsibility or indebtedness, and your ability or willingness to be intimate with others. 

Examples of emotional and intellectual boundary violations are: 

• Not knowing how to separate your feelings from your partner’s and allowing his/her mood to dictate your level of happiness or sadness (a.k.a. codependency). 

• Sacrificing your plans, dreams, and goals in order to please others. 

• Victimhood - not taking responsibility for yourself and blaming others for your problems. 

• Lying, breaking commitments for no reason, or by word or deed, indicating that a person is worthless.

What Are Barriers to Boundary Setting? 

It seems obvious that no one would want his/her boundaries violated. So why do we allow it to happen? Why don’t we enforce or uphold our boundaries?

• Wanting to be liked, combined with our fear of rejection and, ultimately, abandonment.

• Our fear of strong emotions in ourselves, or others, and also confrontation. 

• Our low self-worth, guilt, and chronic self blame.

• Our shame over never having healthy boundaries modeled to us by our parents.

• Our low self worth and excessive altruism.

Assessing The Current State Of Your Boundaries 

Healthy boundaries allow you to: 

• Have high self-esteem and self-respect, which encourages self-love and self-care. 

• Share personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing, emotionally balanced and trusting relationship. 

• Protect physical and emotional space from intrusion from others. 

• Have a partnership where responsibility, power, and energetic exchange are shared equally. 

• Be assertive, ask, and speak up confidently. 

• Truthfully say “yes” or “no” and be okay when others say “no” to you. 

• Separate your needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires from those around you. Stop taking everyone else on. 

• Recognize that we have free will, and your boundaries and needs are specific to you, and different from those around you. 

• Empower yourself to make healthy choices that are the best for you and your personal growth, by taking full responsibility for yourself. 

If you are dealing with someone who is physically dangerous or threatening to you, it may not be safe to attempt to set explicit boundaries with them. If you are in this situation, it can be really helpful to work with a guide, coach, mentor, or therapist, or anyone who can advocate for you in order to create a strategic safety plan, and boundary setting may be a part of this. 

Unhealthy boundaries are characterized by: 

• Sharing too much too soon or expressing intense feelings of attraction in an aggressive way.

• At the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off and not expressing your needs and wants in the relationship. Expecting others to read your mind.

• Excessive conscientiousness or feeling responsible for another’s happiness. 

• Inability to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment. 

• A weak sense of your own identity. You base how you feel about yourself on how others love and treat you. 

• Disempowerment. You allow others to make decisions for you; consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life. 

Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries 

When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, calmly, firmly, respectfully, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, get angry, or apologize for the boundary you are setting. Not over-explaining yourself is a crucial aspect of setting boundaries, as everyone has the right to determine what they do and don’t do.

You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting with them. You are only responsible for communicating your boundary in a respectful  and compassionate manner. Compassion has the word “passion” included, so it’s perfectly okay for you to advocate for yourself in a loving way. 

If it upsets them, please understand, this experience is highlighting the personal self growth that the receiving individual needs to work on. We all have free will, and whether or not they choose to grow from this experience between the two of you is of their own choosing. 

Some people, especially those accustomed to controlling, abusing, or manipulating you, might test you regularly. Plan on it, expect it, but remain firm and do not seek their approval. Try not to react, stay neutral, soothe yourself and be the observer. Notice how two people can experience different realities and that is okay. Decide the duration of your conversation and the topics you wish to discuss.

Remember, your behavior must match the boundaries you are setting, and your boundary setting must be a reasonable action you will take. You cannot successfully establish a clear boundary if you send mixed messages by apologizing. At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Anyone who calls you selfish is only angry because you aren’t doing what they expect from you. Remind yourself you are worthy of asking for what you need. You also have the right to practice self-care. 

Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don’t let anxiety, fear, or guilt prevent you from taking care of yourself. When you feel anger or resentment or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, determine what you need to do or say, then communicate assertively. 

Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. Set them in your own time frame, not when someone else tells you to. Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic people from your life— those who want to manipulate, abuse, and control you.

How To Set Personal and Emotional Boundaries

The first part of setting boundaries is examining the boundaries that already exist (or are lacking) in one’s life. In other words, healthy boundaries can be the difference between a healthy, happy relationship and a toxic, dysfunctional relationship between you and those around you.

Keep the focus on yourself. Another important thing to remember is: “It is impossible to set boundaries and limits without setting consequences (an action I will take)”. This means that when setting boundaries, it is important to explicitly state why they are important.

One good way to avoid crossing someone’s boundaries (and to avoid having one’s own boundaries crossed) is to have honest conversations about boundaries with people. Begin this process by doing the following:

1. Clearly identify your boundary. Get really clear with yourself about what the boundary is that you need to set. Do you need your mother to stop calling you all together, or can she call you under certain circumstances? Can you set a time and day of the week to agree to speak, or update her through text message so her anxious attachment disorder doesn’t kick in? 

2. Understand why you need the boundary. If you aren’t clear on what your needs are, you won’t be able to communicate your expectations to her, and your mother won’t have any idea how to treat you any differently. By expressing yourself and setting a limit, you are giving her a choice to behave and show up differently. An inconsistent boundary is not as effective, and is considered passive-aggressive. So spend time to figure out exactly what you need before taking any action. 

3. Be straightforward. Don’t be cryptic or purposefully vague thinking you’re going to spare someone’s feelings or avoid a conflict. The kindest and most successful approach is to be direct. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

4. Don’t apologize, or give long explanations as to why. This kind of behavior undermines your authority, and gives the impression that you’re doing something wrong that requires an apology or a justification. You never need to say sorry unless you’ve inflicted harm intentionally, or you empathize with another person’s situation.

5. Use a calm and polite tone. Keep your own anger in check. Don’t try to set boundaries in the middle of an argument. Wait until you are less reactive, contained, and realistic. You want your needs and wants to be heard. Yelling, lecturing, giving advice, sarcasm, or a condescending tone all put others on the defensive, where they feel attacked and distracts you both from the real issues.

6. Start with tighter boundaries to begin with. It’s always easier to loosen up tight boundaries than it is to tighten loose boundaries. I see so many people making this mistake, especially as fearful parents of teenagers. When you meet a new friend or start a new job, naturally you want to make a good impression, be agreeable, and fit in. As a result you’re likely to over-extend yourself, agree to commitments or viewpoints that you normally wouldn’t, ignore red flags and put up with abusive people or environments.

7. Address boundary violations early and often. Small problems are always easier to manage. Don’t wait until someone’s violated your boundary a dozen times before you speak up to them. It’s not fair to assume that others know your boundaries until you’ve explained them. Nor is it fair to abruptly change the rules.

8. Stay neutral. Don’t make it personal. Setting a boundary isn’t a personal attack. How would you prefer to receive this information, if you were on the receiving end? 

9. Use a support system - a guide, coach, mentor, or therapist. Starting to set boundaries is tough! It can bring up a lot of questions, uncomfortable feelings, and self-doubt. Having a support system of family or friends is also invaluable whenever you’re doing something challenging. 

10. Trust your intuition. Be sure to slow down and tune into yourself. Pay attention to what you’re feeling. What is your gut telling you? If it feels wrong, make a change. 

Following these ten steps will help guide you toward setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. And remember that healthy boundaries are not only good for you, but they’re good for everyone.

If you would like to learn more about how to establish healthy boundaries in your life, this is something I cover in my three day personal retreat, The Phoenix Immersion Program, or join us in 2025 for The Phoenix Immersion Retreat in Portland, Oregon, or online.