Healthy Boundaries- Physically and Energetically

Boundaries refer to limits that you put in place in order to protect your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.  In relationships, romantic or platonic, it is important that all boundaries are clearly defined. When boundaries are distinctly communicated, expressed and felt, it forces those around you to show up differently in respect to you.

When you learn to communicate and respond to healthy limits for your sense of self, your friends, family and partners understand your expectations.  Setting limits and communicating boundaries when you are in a triggered state is critical to creating healthy relationships, increasing self-esteem and reducing stress, anxiety and depression. In order to set realistic boundaries you must first determine which behaviors you will accept from others and what you will not.

Boundaries help us protect and contain our reality, which includes our physical self, our thinking, our feelings, and our behavior. Physical boundaries include your personal space, your body, and privacy. Violations of personal boundaries include: standing to close, inappropriate touching, even looking through personal information.

Emotional boundaries involve separating your feelings from another’s feelings. This can be very challenging for people who are highly empathetic, or have learned to be codependent due to their Mother’s attachment style and/or psychological behavior and patterns. Violations of emotional boundaries include: taking responsibility for another’s feelings, letting another’s feelings dictate your own, and accepting responsibility for theirs. Strong boundaries protect your self-esteem and your identity as an individual with the right to make your own decisions and choices.

Spiritual boundaries can be clearly identified as your own individual energy field and you are in charge of protecting it. Sounds easy right? Nope. At times it is very difficult to identify when our boundaries are being crossed. It can also be hard to speak our boundaries to others in fear of the consequences to our relationships.

It is important to stay in tune with your feelings in order to be able to when a boundary has been crossed. This will feel differently in the body for everyone but some red flags include: anger, pain or discomfort in the body, bitterness, stress or digestive issues, heavy anxiety or sleep disruption, guilt, shame and fear. When a boundary has been crossed these feelings may stem from feeling under-appreciated or taken advantage of, through force or otherwise.  If you typically feel nervous or anxious around certain people, feel you can’t say no to them, can’t ask for what you need, or often feel criticized, these people have most likely crossed a boundary of yours.

Unhealthy boundaries come in a number of different forms for a myriad of reasons.  One reason is usually a weak sense of your own identity as well as your own feelings of disempowerment in decision making in your life. When this happens, you become dependent on your partner for happiness and decision making responsibilities, therefore losing important parts of your own identity. Some reasons people have a hard time setting boundaries include: fear of abandonment, loss of relationships, fear of being judged or fear of hurting others feelings.

Setting emotional and physical boundaries can be challenging and it can be difficult to know where to start. There are some great ways to start setting simple boundaries. Here are some tips:

1.       Say no to tasks you don’t want to do or don’t have time to do

2.       Say yes to help

3.       Ask for help if you need it

4.       Delegate tasks

5.       Protect your time and don’t overcommit

6.       Speak up if you feel uncomfortable with how someone is treating you or your needs are being infringed upon

7.       Honor what is important to you by choosing yourself first

8.       Drop the guilt and responsibility  for others

Healthy relationships are a balance of giving and receiving. In a healthy relationship you feel calm, safe, supported, respected, taken care of, and unconditionally accepted. You are forgiven without past offenses being brought up repeatedly, with no acts of revenge or passive aggressive behaviors from the other person. You are free and encouraged to be who you are. With good boundaries and healthy relationships you cultivate emotional health, self-respect and strength.

Set high standards for those you surround yourself with. Expect to be treated in the same loving way you treat them. Learn how to love yourself in supportive ways that you were never taught so others know how to show up for you. Soon you will find yourself surrounded by a circle of friends, partners, and relationships that lift you up, respect you and care about your needs and feelings.

We cover a lot more on healthy boundaries, ego states and attachment styles in the Phoenix Immersion Program. This year, I am also hosting my program in Sedona, Arizona in the middle of April! To find out more about the Phoenix Immersion Retreat, or my program, click on the links or contact me for more information.